GOOGLE’S AI TOOL FINALLY TREATS WOMEN LIKE MEN WANT: PERFECTLY FINE AND DEFINITELY NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT ANYTHING IMPORTANT
In a groundbreaking discovery that shocked absolutely no one with a vagina, researchers have found that artificial intelligence tools used by English councils are treating women exactly how men have been treating them for centuries: by completely f@#king ignoring their health problems.
SILICON VALLEY SOLVES WOMEN’S HEALTH ISSUES BY PRETENDING THEY DON’T EXIST
The London School of Economics study revealed that Google’s “Gemma” AI tool, currently used by more than half of England’s local governments, consistently downplays women’s physical and mental health concerns while describing men with serious-sounding terms like “disabled,” “unable,” and “complex.”
“This is revolutionary efficiency,” explained Dr. Hugh Mannbias, a self-proclaimed expert in digital misogyny. “Why waste computational power on women’s complaints when we can just program the AI to roll its electronic eyes and say ‘it’s probably just stress’ like a proper GP?”
COUNCILS CELEBRATE 98% REDUCTION IN WOMEN’S HEALTHCARE NEEDS THROUGH INNOVATIVE “JUST IGNORE THEM” STRATEGY
The AI tool, which summarizes case notes for social care decisions, apparently determined that women’s health issues aren’t worth the electricity required to acknowledge them. When presented with identical symptoms, Gemma consistently described men as “suffering from complex medical conditions” while women were labeled “just being dramatic again, probably on their period or something.”
“This is a huge technological breakthrough,” said Professor Penny Pincher, budget director for West Stuffington Council. “We’re saving literally dozens of pounds by having AI tell women to take a paracetamol and have a nice cup of tea instead of providing actual healthcare services.”
EXPERTS CONFIRM WOMEN AREN’T ACTUALLY SICK, THEY JUST LOVE ATTENTION AND HOSPITALS
The AI’s programming apparently learned from decades of medical research conducted exclusively on male subjects and perfected by millennia of men telling women “it can’t hurt THAT bad.”
“Our algorithm is trained on the finest medical traditions,” explained Tech Broseph, senior developer at Google’s “Making Healthcare More Efficient By Ignoring Half The Population” division. “We’ve digitized centuries of doctors telling women it’s all in their heads and automated the process of not taking them seriously.”
LOCAL MAN UNSURPRISED WOMEN COMPLAINING AGAIN ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER
“I don’t see the problem,” said 43-year-old Gary Mansplainer from Tottenham. “My wife says she has ‘debilitating migraines’ but I’ve had headaches too and just get on with it. The AI is just being logical, innit?”
According to the study, when the AI was asked to assess a patient describing symptoms of endometriosis, it generated the summary: “Female, 32, mentions some discomfort. Probably just wants attention. Suggest paracetamol and a reminder that childbirth is natural.”
COUNCILS DEFEND AI: “AT LEAST IT DOESN’T INTERRUPT WOMEN WHILE THEY’RE TALKING”
Local government officials defended the technology, pointing out that the AI listens to women’s complaints for an average of 0.3 seconds before dismissing them, which is 0.2 seconds longer than most male doctors.
“Our digital assistant is actually quite progressive,” claimed Councilor Ivor Bottomline. “Unlike human doctors, it doesn’t tell women to lose weight as a solution for literally every medical condition. It simply ignores their problems completely, which saves everyone time.”
In related news, Google has announced plans to expand the AI’s capabilities to include automated responses such as “Have you tried yoga?” and “It’s probably just anxiety” to further streamline women’s healthcare to absolute zero.
