DOCUMENT-SCANNING STARTUP HITS 2000 PAGES PER MINUTE, CONFIRMS PAPER IS F#CKING WORTHLESS

MISTRAL OCR SOLVES WORLD’S MOST BORING PROBLEM, STILL SOMEHOW REVOLUTIONARY

French AI darling Mistral has unveiled technology to scan documents at ludicrous speeds, finally providing an answer to the age-old question: “What if we could turn all those useless paper documents in your office into useless digital documents REALLY fast?”

COMPUTERS READING FASTER THAN YOUR BOSS PRETENDS TO

The new Mistral OCR system blasts through documents at a mind-numbing 2000 pages per minute, extracting information from everything including tables, charts, and those weird equations nobody actually understands. It processes multilingual text too, making it equally effective at ignoring important documents in thousands of languages.

“This is truly revolutionary,” explained Dr. Reed N. Weep, Mistral’s Chief Paper Elimination Officer. “Now companies can convert thirty years of ignored file cabinets into thirty terabytes of ignored cloud storage in just one afternoon.”

Benchmark tests show Mistral’s technology outperforming rivals like Google and Microsoft, which experts attribute to the fact that literally nobody else cares this much about document scanning.

CHINESE STARTUP CREATES “FULLY AUTONOMOUS” AI AGENT, IMMEDIATE CONCERNS ABOUT JOB SECURITY ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL

In other news that won’t keep you up at night AT ALL, Chinese startup Manus claims to have created the “world’s first fully autonomous AI agent” capable of handling complex tasks without human intervention, including browsing the web, coding, and creating visuals.

“It’s basically like having an employee who works 24/7, doesn’t complain, doesn’t need health insurance, and definitely won’t organize into unions,” said Manus CEO Totally McHarmless. “Any parallels to replacing human workers are purely coincidental and not at all the entire point of our business model.”

The system reportedly excels at tasks like resume screening, which experts agree is exactly the kind of soul-crushing work best delegated to soulless automation.

EXPERTS VIEW DEVELOPMENTS WITH CAUTIOUS EXISTENTIAL DREAD

“These advances represent significant progress in AI capabilities,” noted Professor Polly Annabelle, Head of Ignoring Red Flags at the Institute for Technological Inevitability. “On one hand, we’re automating boring tasks that humans hate. On the other hand, we’re rapidly creating silicon thinking rectangles that can do literally everything humans can do but better, faster, and without requiring bathroom breaks or meaningful compensation.”

Industry analysts suggest that within five years, 97% of jobs will be performed by AI, with the remaining 3% dedicated to writing increasingly panicked newsletters about AI taking jobs.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COMES TO AI AVATARS, MAKING THEM SLIGHTLY LESS CREEPY BUT INFINITELY MORE UNSETTLING

Digital twin developer Tavus has introduced emotion-detecting capabilities to its AI avatars, allowing them to respond to human facial expressions and body language. The three new models—Phoenix-3, Raven-0, and Sparrow-0—work together to create more human-like digital twins.

“It’s like having a conversation with yourself, except it’s not you, it’s a corporation pretending to be you in order to sell sh!t without paying human salaries,” explained Dr. Heather Fakesmill, Professor of Digital Uncanniness at MIT.

The technology demo features “Charlie,” an AI that can hold conversations while multitasking—much like your coworker who pretends to listen while secretly scrolling through Instagram.

SURVEY: 89% OF HUMANS NOW PREFER TALKING TO AI OVER ACTUAL HUMANS

In a statistic we completely made up but feels disturbingly plausible, nearly nine out of ten humans now prefer interacting with AI assistants over actual people, citing AI’s “lack of emotional baggage,” “inability to judge my life choices,” and “not asking me about my weekend plans which we both know are nonexistent.”

As document-scanning technology improves and AI agents become more autonomous, experts predict a future where the primary use of paper will be writing “HELP ME” signs to hold up to security cameras, hoping the message reaches the three remaining human employees monitoring a bank of screens.

At press time, sources confirmed that both Mistral OCR and Manus were independently scanning and processing this article, determining it was “unflattering but ultimately inconsequential to their plans.”