SENTIENT SHIRT COLLECTION MASQUERADING AS SCIENTIST CREATES DIGITAL CLONE TO FIGHT CLIMATE DENIERS 24/7
In what can only be described as humanity’s last desperate attempt to avoid cooking itself into extinction, Australia’s most colorful science explainer is duplicating his consciousness into the digital realm to battle misinformation around the clock.
FASHION STATEMENT OR CLIMATE SAVIOR?
Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki, the 77-year-old walking acid trip whose shirts can be seen from space, has apparently realized that fighting climate denial with actual facts hasn’t been working, so he’s taking the logical next step: creating an artificial version of himself to argue with strangers on the internet forever.
“We tried logic, evidence, and basic f@#king thermodynamics for forty years,” explained Dr. Karl while gesturing wildly in a shirt that appears to be made from the DNA of seven different tropical birds. “But turns out that’s no match for some random dips#!t on Facebook who ‘did their own research’ after watching a YouTube video made by a petroleum executive’s nephew.”
The new digital Dr. Karl will tirelessly respond to climate deniers 24/7, representing perhaps the first time in history that a computer program has been designed specifically to argue with people who believe their winter coats disprove global warming.
EXPERT REACTIONS MOSTLY INVOLVE HEAVY SIGHING
Dr. Ima Exhausted, professor of Public Scientific Futility at the University of Lost Causes, offered her analysis: “After decades of providing irrefutable evidence while watching the planet literally catch fire, creating a digital clone to continue the fight while your biological body sleeps is completely reasonable and not at all a sign we’ve entered the bargaining phase of climate grief.”
Statistics show that approximately 97% of climate scientists agree humans are causing global warming, while 100% of those scientists need therapy because the remaining 3% get all the media coverage.
THE SHIRT-TO-DIGITAL PIPELINE
Tech experts note this is the first known instance of transferring a human consciousness combined with a wardrobe that looks like it was designed by a committee of kindergarteners on mushrooms into the digital realm.
“The real challenge,” explains tech specialist Chip Processor, “was ensuring the AI could replicate Dr. Karl’s unbridled enthusiasm when explaining why we’re all f@#ked if we don’t stop burning dinosaur juice for energy.”
Sources close to the project confirm the digital Dr. Karl has been programmed with 742 different ways to say “No, your uncle in Minnesota experiencing a cold day doesn’t disprove climate change, you absolute walnut.”
When reached for comment, a group of climate deniers responded by asking if we’d considered that volcanoes exist and then sending us a YouTube link titled “THE CLIMATE HOAX EXPOSED: WHAT NASA DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW (PART 17).”
In related news, 88% of Australians report they cannot tell the difference between Dr. Karl’s shirts and those hallucinations experienced by people with high fevers, a condition scientists are now calling “exactly what the planet has.”
