SHOCKING STUDY REVEALS BRITISH BUSINESSES “DIGITAL DINOSAURS” AS EMPLOYEES SECRETLY USE AI TO AVOID ACTUAL WORK
BRITISH EXECUTIVES STILL THINK “CHAT GPT” IS A MOBILE PHONE PLAN
In a stunning revelation that has tech experts clutching their metaphorical pearls, Microsoft UK has discovered that approximately half of British companies have the technological foresight of a Victorian chimney sweep when it comes to artificial intelligence.
A comprehensive survey of nearly 1,500 UK business leaders found that 52% of organizations have “no official AI plan,” which experts describe as “the corporate equivalent of still using a f@#king horse and buggy in the Formula 1 championship.”
Microsoft UK’s boss, clearly restraining himself from screaming into the void, diplomatically described these companies as “stuck in neutral,” though inside sources claim his actual phrasing involved considerably more profanity and the phrase “digital neanderthals eating technological glue.”
THE PRODUCTIVITY DIVIDE: SOME EMPLOYEES DOING ACTUAL WORK WHILE OTHERS HAVE AI WRITE THEIR EMAILS
The study revealed a growing “productivity gap” between employees embracing AI and those still typing their own emails like absolute suckers. This disparity has created what experts call a “two-tier workforce” – those who finish their work by 10am and spend the rest of the day on Instagram, and those laboriously typing their own PowerPoints like it’s 2019.
“We’ve observed that employees using AI complete tasks 87% faster, leaving approximately 6.2 hours per day to pretend they’re still working while actually planning their weekend,” explains Dr. Shirley Notfoolin, Chief Workplace Efficiency Expert at the Institute of Obvious Corporate Trends.
EXECUTIVES REVEAL SHOCKING REASONS FOR AI HESITATION
When pressed on why they haven’t developed an AI strategy, UK executives provided illuminating responses:
“What’s AI? Is that like WiFi but fancier?” said one FTSE 100 CEO who requested anonymity but whose company rhymes with “British Betroleum.”
Another executive explained, “We’ve formed seven committees to discuss the possibility of creating a task force to explore the potential of developing a framework for considering whether to think about maybe implementing AI someday.”
NATIONAL SECURITY IMPLICATIONS
Government officials expressed concern that Britain’s technological sluggishness might impact national security. “If our businesses can’t figure out ChatGPT, how the bloody hell are we supposed to compete with countries that are building sentient robot armies?” questioned Sir Winston Technolaggard, Minister for Digital Stuff and Things.
EMPLOYEES SECRETLY USING AI WHILE BOSSES STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EXCEL
The survey also revealed that 78% of employees are already using AI tools without official sanction, primarily to “make it look like they’re working harder than they actually are.”
“I had my digital assistant write a 30-page report in 4 minutes while I played Candy Crush,” admitted one anonymous bank employee. “My boss spent three days reviewing it and called it ‘the most thorough analysis he’d seen in 20 years.'”
MICROSOFT HELPFULLY SUGGESTS BUYING MORE MICROSOFT PRODUCTS
Microsoft’s proposed solution to this crisis conveniently involves purchasing more Microsoft products, in what industry insiders describe as “the most unsurprising plot twist since the sun rose this morning.”
“Companies need comprehensive AI strategies immediately,” explained Microsoft UK’s chief, “coincidentally, we sell exactly what you need, and it only costs slightly more than your firstborn child.”
As British businesses continue pondering whether this “artificial intelligence thingamajig” is just a passing fad, other countries are reportedly “laughing their a$$es off” while training their algorithm Americans to perform increasingly complex tasks, including “figuring out how to purchase British companies at bargain basement prices when they inevitably collapse due to technological incompetence.”
