APPLE’S ‘SPLOITLIGHT’ PRIVACY HOLE REVEALED: YOUR MAC HAS BEEN FLASHING ITS DIGITAL UNDERWEAR TO HACKERS SINCE 2018
In what tech experts are calling “the digital equivalent of realizing your webcam has been on during your entire bathroom break,” Apple devices worldwide have been exposing users’ private data through a vulnerability so obvious it makes airport security look like Fort Knox.
TURNS OUT YOUR EXPENSIVE STATUS SYMBOL HAS BEEN GOSSIPING BEHIND YOUR BACK
The vulnerability, cutely named “Sploitlight” because apparently naming catastrophic security flaws after Saturday morning cartoons is industry standard, allows hackers to casually waltz past Apple’s vaunted TCC protections with all the difficulty of opening an unlocked door. Researchers discovered that macOS has essentially been wearing digital pajama pants with the back flap unbuttoned since 2018.
“It’s literally like Apple installed a high-tech security system on the front door and then left the back window wide open with a neon sign saying ‘FREE DATA – INQUIRE WITHIN’,” explained Dr. Facepalm McObvious, chief researcher at We Told You So Security Labs.
SECURITY EXPERTS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER APPLE PRODUCTS NOT ACTUALLY MAGICAL
The flaw bypasses Apple’s Transparency, Consent, and Control protections, which is tech-speak for “that thing that’s supposed to stop creepy apps from stalking your ass.” According to sources, hackers can use Sploitlight to access everything from your photos to your contacts to that folder of Nicolas Cage memes you swore you deleted.
A whopping 94.7% of Apple users responded to the news with “Wait, I thought Apple stuff doesn’t get hacked?” revealing the stunning effectiveness of marketing over actual security.
“The average Apple user believes their device is protected by some combination of Steve Jobs’ ghost and tiny security elves living inside the aluminum casing,” explained Professor Delusion Studies at Reality Check University. “In fact, it’s just code written by sleep-deprived humans living on Red Bull and stock options.”
APPLE RESPONDS: “HAVE YOU SEEN OUR NEW WATCH THOUGH?”
When reached for comment, Apple released a statement that managed to use 497 words to say absolutely nothing while subtly suggesting users might want to upgrade to their newest device, which surely isn’t vulnerable to anything ever.
“We take security very seriously at Apple,” said company spokesperson Deflecty McPR. “That’s why we’ve integrated our proprietary DistractionTech™ to redirect this conversation toward our exciting new products with slightly different camera placements.”
Security researcher Cassandra Wasright, who has been warning about this vulnerability since 2019, was found banging her head against a wall muttering “I f@#king told you so” repeatedly.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO PROTECT YOURSELF? NOTHING REALLY, ENJOY YOUR EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Industry experts recommend several protective measures including “turning off your computer forever,” “moving to a cabin in the woods,” or “just accepting that privacy died sometime around 2010 and we’re all just attending its extended funeral.”
Meanwhile, 87% of Apple users reading this article will immediately forget about it and continue sending their bank details through iMessage because “it’s encrypted or whatever.”
In related news, Apple’s stock price rose 3% on the revelation, as Wall Street analysts declared “security vulnerabilities are actually bullish if they involve a company with a good logo.”
