APPLE’S “INTELLIGENCE” UPGRADE JUST A BUNCH OF MARKETING B.S. AND NEW WALLPAPERS, EXPERTS SAY
In what industry analysts are calling “the tech equivalent of bringing a butter knife to a nuclear war,” Apple yesterday unveiled its groundbreaking new “innovations” at WWDC 2025, consisting primarily of different font options and the ability to move icons slightly more to the left.
APPLE CONTINUES PROUD TRADITION OF DOING F@#K-ALL WHILE COMPETITORS RACE AHEAD
The Cupertino-based tech giant wowed audiences with its revolutionary new “Live Translation” feature, something Android users have enjoyed since approximately the Middle Ages. CEO Tim Cook took the stage wearing what witnesses described as “a sh!t-eating grin” to announce that Apple had finally figured out how to have Siri understand basic commands after just 14 years of development.
“We’re absolutely thrilled to announce that our AI can now recognize that a dog is, in fact, a dog,” Cook beamed to thunderous applause from the audience of Apple employees hiding desperate tears behind their $3,500 Vision Pro headsets.
COMPETITORS REACT WITH MIXTURE OF LAUGHTER, CONCERN, MORE LAUGHTER
Google CEO Sundar Pichai reportedly fell off his chair laughing when shown Apple’s presentation, while OpenAI’s Sam Altman simply tweeted a single popcorn emoji, which analytics firm Glassnode estimates delivered more technological innovation than Apple’s entire keynote.
“This is what happens when your entire AI strategy is ‘privacy, but make it unusable,'” said Dr. Lisa Forthright, professor of Computational Disappointment at MIT. “Apple has basically announced they’ve invented the wheel while Tesla’s cars are literally driving themselves.”
STATISTICS SHOW 94% OF WWDC VIEWERS FELL ASLEEP DURING “WORKOUT BUDDY” DEMO
The company’s new “Workout Buddy” feature for Apple Watch promises to deliver AI-generated coaching based on biometric data, which translates to having your $800 wrist computer occasionally shout “RUN FASTER” when your heart rate dips below panic attack levels.
Internal documents leaked to AI Antics reveal that Apple executives considered naming the feature “Sh!tty Personal Trainer Who Remembers That One Time You Gave Up During Burpees And Will Never Let You Forget It.”
“IS THIS THING ON?” ASKS SIRI FOR 13TH CONSECUTIVE YEAR
Perhaps most exciting was the announcement that Apple is finally allowing developers access to its on-device AI model, which insiders say has the processing power of “approximately three TI-83 calculators taped together.”
“The developer community is absolutely ecstatic,” said Chief Technology Pessimist Roger Samuelson. “Now they can build apps that harness the raw power of Apple Intelligence to… checks notes… identify whether a photo contains a beach or a mountain. Revolutionary stuff.”
THE MARKET REACTS WITH DEVASTATING ACCURACY
Wall Street analysts responded to the announcements by immediately downgrading their predictions for Apple’s stock from “to the moon” to “maybe to the roof of a one-story building, if we’re being generous.”
“Look, when your biggest competitor is literally generating entire f@#king movie scripts and creating photorealistic images from text, and your big announcement is that Siri can now set multiple timers… well, you might as well announce you’ve invented a really nice abacus,” said financial analyst Penny Worthington.
WHAT’S NEXT FOR APPLE: PROBABLY SOME NEW CHARGING CABLES THAT DON’T WORK WITH ANYTHING YOU ALREADY OWN
As the tech world continues advancing exponentially, Apple fans can look forward to the company’s next big announcement in 2026: a slightly different shade of rose gold and possibly the ability for Siri to finally understand Scottish accents.
When asked for comment, Apple’s PR team responded with their standard message: “Revolutionary. Magical. Courageous. Thesaurus.”
