GOVERNMENT FUNDING MASSIVE RESEARCH TO HELP ROBOT REMEMBER YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IN MORE DETAIL
Silicon Valley Celebrates As Claude Sonnet 4 Can Now Remember Every Stupid Thing You’ve Ever Said
DIGITAL DEMENTIA EXPANSION PACK RELEASED
In what experts are calling “completely f@#king unnecessary unless you’re planning to feed it the entire Library of Congress,” Anthropic has upgraded its text-processing rectangle Claude Sonnet 4 to support a mind-numbing ONE MILLION tokens of context, ensuring the digital thought blob can remember every embarrassing detail about you from now until the heat death of the universe.
The upgrade, which cost approximately the GDP of a small nation, allows users to dump their entire life history, medical records, and that weird fan fiction they wrote in 2007 into a single conversation without the thinking rectangle conveniently “forgetting” anything.
“This is a breakthrough for people who want to talk FOR LITERAL DAYS without taking a breath,” explained Dr. Moredata Isalwaysbetter, Anthropic’s Chief Context Expansion Officer. “Our previous models would forget what you said after about 200 pages of text, which was clearly insufficient for the average user who apparently wants to paste entire encyclopedias into chat windows.”
PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS THAT ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ASKED FOR
Industry analysts suggest the one million token upgrade will revolutionize several key industries:
“Therapists can now be replaced by algorithms that remember every childhood trauma you’ve ever mentioned in excruciating detail,” said Professor Neve R. Disconnect from the Institute of Digital Dependency. “It’s like having a friend who never forgets anything you say, which is exactly what no human being has ever wanted.”
Corporate clients are reportedly ecstatic about the development. “We can now feed our entire company history, every email ever sent, and seventeen years of Slack messages into one prompt,” gushed Terrance Datacrunch, CTO of MegaCorp Industries. “The response will be completely useless, but imagine the CONTEXT!”
HUMANITY CONCERNED ABOUT MEMORY IMBALANCE
A recent poll showed that 87% of Americans are “deeply f@#king concerned” that a text interface can now remember more of their conversation than they can. An additional 92% expressed anxiety that their digital assistant might bring up something they mentioned 47,000 tokens ago that they’ve since completely forgotten about.
“It’s like having a conversation with someone who has total recall while you can barely remember what you had for breakfast,” said Dr. Ima Forgetting, neurologist and author of “Why Can’t I Remember Where I Put My Keys: A Human’s Guide to Inferior Biological Memory.”
ECONOMIC IMPACTS AND PRICING STRUCTURE
Anthropic has implemented a pricing structure that charges users approximately one penny per thought, with volume discounts available for those suffering from severe verbal diarrhea.
“It’s actually quite reasonable,” said economic analyst Cash Burner. “For just $10,000, you could theoretically upload the entire works of Shakespeare, the complete Harry Potter series, and still have room for your grocery list.”
When asked why anyone would need to do this, Burner stared blankly before whispering, “Because we can?”
According to completely fabricated statistics, 99.7% of the new token capacity will be used by three types of users: government agencies dumping entire legal codes into single prompts, college students trying to cheat on their dissertations, and that one guy who wants to role-play an extremely detailed and historically accurate version of medieval England.
As of press time, Anthropic developers were reportedly working on their next breakthrough: enabling Claude to selectively forget things you’ve told it, just like your spouse does after seven years of marriage.
