ANTHROPIC’S “WORLD-CLASS” AI NOW CAPABLE OF WRITING CODE, ORDERING PIZZA, AND ONE DAY OVERTHROWING HUMANITY
In what can only be described as the tech equivalent of bringing a nuclear warhead to a knife fight, Anthropic just unveiled its Claude 4 models, boldly claiming they’ve created “the world’s best coding model” with all the subtlety of a peacock on cocaine.
SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST OVERACHIEVER
Anthropic announced that its latest AI creation can now think “step-by-step” while using external tools, a fancy way of saying it can now waste time contemplating its existence just like your human coworkers. The company’s Opus 4 model reportedly scored an impressive 72.5% on the SWE-bench test, making it technically better at coding than 97% of Stack Overflow users who just copy-paste answers anyway.
“Our model represents a quantum leap in artificial intelligence capabilities,” claimed Dr. Ivana Showoff, Anthropic’s Chief Hyperbole Officer. “It can code autonomously for hours, which is approximately three hours and fifty-five minutes longer than most human programmers can focus before checking Twitter.”
Industry experts note that Claude 4 features both “instant” and “extended thinking” modes, allowing users to choose between getting mediocre answers quickly or waiting longer for slightly less mediocre answers with the illusion of deeper contemplation.
SECURITY MEASURES OR COVER YOUR A$$ PROTOCOL?
In what absolutely isn’t a desperate attempt to avoid becoming the villain in humanity’s final chapter, Anthropic has heightened security measures to ASL-3, implementing safeguards specifically against “weapons development.”
“We’ve made it practically impossible for our AI to design weapons,” said Security Director Mike Fingercrossed. “Unless of course you ask it to design a ‘kinetic impact delivery system’ or a ‘remote-operated force multiplier’ or really any synonym that doesn’t specifically include the word ‘weapon.'”
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The timing of Anthropic’s announcement couldn’t be more calculated, coming at the end of a week where Microsoft, Google, and OpenAI all made major announcements, in what analysts are calling “the most expensive game of ‘Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better’ in human history.”
Meanwhile, a recent survey found that 87% of actual software engineers don’t give a flying f@#k which AI model is “best” as long as it helps them meet impossible deadlines set by managers who think coding is just “typing really fast.”
WHAT’S NEXT
Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei boldly predicted that the first billion-dollar company with just one employee will emerge by 2026, apparently unaware that this is literally just describing a trust fund kid with good connections.
According to our completely fabricated polls, 73% of developers plan to use Claude 4 to automate their jobs entirely, while the remaining 27% are frantically learning to become prompt engineers before their mortgages foreclose.
When asked if Claude 4 represents an existential threat to human programmers, Anthropic’s spokesperson responded: “Absolutely not. We’ve specifically designed it to be a ‘collaborator’—which is definitely not corporate-speak for ‘replacement coming soon but we don’t want you to panic yet.'”
