ANCIENT SCROLL REVEALS WORLD’S FIRST PHILOSOPHY INFLUENCER WITH “VOLCANIC” FOLLOWING
In a discovery that has historians collectively sh!tting their togas, scientists have identified an ancient Greek philosopher as the author of a scroll recovered from Mount Vesuvius, proving that pretentious writers have been boring the absolute f@#k out of people for at least two millennia.
MOLTEN TAKE ON HOT TOPIC
The charred scroll, which scientists have spent years painstakingly unrolling despite nobody asking them to, reveals writings by Philodemus, an Epicurean philosopher who apparently had nothing better to do than pontificate while Vesuvius literally prepared to murder everyone around him.
“This is groundbreaking,” exclaimed Dr. Reada Lotmore, head of Useless Ancient Text Studies at Irrelevant University. “We can now confirm that philosophers were just as insufferable in 79 AD as they are in modern philosophy departments.”
SCROLL INFLUENCER HAD FIRE CONTENT
The virtual unwrapping technique, which cost taxpayers approximately $12.7 million, has revealed that Philodemus was essentially the ancient equivalent of that guy at parties who corners you to explain why your understanding of free will is fundamentally flawed.
According to Professor Justin Timeforretirement of the Institute for Extremely Old Sh!t, “Philodemus was clearly what we’d call an ancient influencer. His content was literally fire, as evidenced by its carbonized state.”
EPICUREAN? MORE LIKE EPIC-BORING
The scroll contains what experts describe as “philosophical ramblings” that would receive approximately zero likes if posted on social media today. Analysis suggests 87% of the text consists of rhetorical questions that Philodemus immediately answers himself.
“We believe this text would have been the ancient equivalent of a 47-minute YouTube video explaining why everyone but the creator is wrong about everything,” said Dr. Ann T. Quarian, who has dedicated her entire career to this research instead of solving literally any current world problem.
VESUVIUS: HISTORY’S HARSHEST CRITIC
Perhaps the most relevant finding is that Mother Nature delivered the most scathing review possible of Philodemus’ work by covering it in molten lava and ash, preserving it in a state that took modern technology 2,000 years to unravel.
“It’s like Vesuvius was saying, ‘This content is so bad I’m going to ensure future generations have to work their asses off just to read it,'” noted volcanologist Emma Flowing.
DISCOVERY RAISES QUESTIONS NOBODY ASKED
Scientists are now planning to spend another $20 million to decode more scrolls, despite overwhelming public sentiment summarized by local taxpayer Frank Notsurewhy: “Can’t we just, I don’t know, assume the rest is also boring philosophy sh!t and move on with our lives?”
In a related development, 98% of undergraduate philosophy majors have cited this discovery as validation for their otherwise completely unmarketable degree choices.
At press time, researchers were reportedly working on a technology to determine if any ancient Roman ever actually finished reading Philodemus’ work before being mercifully buried in volcanic debris.
