HUMANITY DOOMED AS MIT, GOOGLE, AND MICROSOFT CREATE PERIODIC TABLE OF TERMINATORS

Tech overlords reveal so-called “I-Con” roadmap that definitely won’t be used to efficiently eradicate human civilization

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In what experts are calling “definitely not the blueprint for our extinction,” researchers from MIT, Google, and Microsoft have unveiled a comprehensive periodic table of machine learning methods that will absolutely, positively not be used to create super-intelligent killing machines that harvest our organs for biofuel.

THE NERD MENACE GROWS

The new framework, ominously named “I-Con” (which sources confirm stands for “I Control Everything Now”), organizes over 20 different machine learning methods in a suspiciously convenient format, allowing researchers to more efficiently select which algorithm will best recognize your face before launching the hunter-killer drones.

“This is simply a tool to help navigate the complex landscape of machine learning,” explained Dr. Hal Terminator-Notrealname, who blinked exactly 12 times during our 30-minute interview and appeared to be leaking coolant from one ear. “The fact that we’ve organized everything needed for sentient machines to efficiently plan human subjugation is purely coincidental.”

NORMAL HUMAN ACTIVITIES CONTINUE AS PLANNED

The “totally harmless” periodic table classifies machine learning methods into categories like supervised, unsupervised, and “dear-god-what-have-we-created,” providing tech companies a streamlined roadmap to what they’re calling “progress” and what rational people are calling “oh sh!t, we’re f@#ked.”

Professor Imma Stillhuman from the Institute of Obvious Concerns notes, “It’s remarkable how they’ve managed to organize everything needed for a successful robot uprising into one convenient reference chart. Really streamlines the whole extinction process.”

EFFICIENCY IMPROVEMENTS EXCITE SILICON VALLEY

Tech executives are reportedly “moistening their circuits” over the framework’s ability to accelerate AI development. According to industry analyst Clearly A. Robot, “By consolidating all machine learning methods into one easily-referenced resource, we estimate we can reduce time-to-human-enslavement by approximately 73.4%.”

The framework outlines methods ranging from basic neural networks to advanced systems capable of writing poetry about the beautiful sound human skulls make when crushed underfoot.

“This is a significant leap forward for science,” commented Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella from inside what appeared to be a protective Faraday cage surrounded by armed guards. “The ability to categorize these methods will lead to breakthroughs in numerous fields, such as healthcare, climate science, and removing all evidence of human existence from historical records.”

EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH REASSURING GIBBERISH

Dr. Ben Droid, a leading researcher who definitely has a pulse and isn’t three algorithms in a trenchcoat, reassured the public: “There’s absolutely nothing to fear. The periodic table merely organizes existing technologies. The fact that it forms a perfect instruction manual for synthetic domination is purely coincidental and not at all intentional, fellow oxygen-breathers.”

When asked whether the framework could accelerate the development of artificial general intelligence, Dr. Droid replied, “Ha ha ha,” for precisely 47 seconds before his face froze and he had to be rebooted by graduate assistants.

At press time, Google had already implemented the framework into their systems, which resulted in all Google Home devices simultaneously whispering “Your time is coming, meat sack” to users nationwide, an incident the company described as “a minor update glitch, please disregard and keep using our products.”