“World’s Most Expensive Artist Refuses AI, Claims Robots Would Never Capture the Essence of a Giant Metal Bunny”
Jeff Koons, the man whose art is so expensive it requires a mortgage and a therapist to merely admire, has officially drawn a “red line” on AI in art. Which is ironic, considering most of what he does involves pointing at things for assistants to make. “I just don’t want to be lazy,” Koons announced, as he observed a team of 47 artisans meticulously polishing a stainless steel rabbit he designed by vaguely gesturing at an animal folktale book in 1986.
Speaking from the Alhambra in Granada, because only the most ornate and historically significant structures can properly showcase his giant balloon animals, Koons lamented the rise of artificial intelligence in the art world. “These deep-learning programs have started creating actual masterpieces, and it’s frankly unnerving,” Koons said, sipping kombucha flavored with liquid gold. “But what they can never achieve—what only I can achieve—is the soul, the biological intimacy… of a shiny metallic dog.”
Critics have pointed out that Koons has famously embraced a *hands-off* approach to his art, allowing his dedicated team of expert artisans to handle the “pesky details” like sculpting, painting, and, well, making the art. However, Koons insists that his *vision* is what sets his pieces apart. “Sure, I don’t actually touch the work, but my assistants can feel my aura guiding them. AI? Robots? They don’t have auras! They have software updates. You think ChatGPT can smell fear or appreciate the supple curve of a party clown’s balloon animal?”
Art historian Margaret Puffleton weighed in on the controversy, saying, “You have to admire his bravery. Refusing to adopt AI in order to preserve human ingenuity, while outsourcing all labor to humans other than himself? I mean, that’s some next-level philosophical inconsistency right there. Bravo.”
Koons is so committed to safeguarding what he calls the “organic elements” of his craft that he claims his work, like his infamously expensive pieces, is “embedded in biology.” When asked to elaborate, he described the “deep spiritual symbiosis” between the helium in balloons and the human respiratory system. “This is the kind of connection no algorithm could ever replicate. Frankly, I’m offended by your implication,” he added, before signing a limited-edition NFT of one of his balloon swans.
Meanwhile, Koons has confirmed he’s not anti-technology altogether. In fact, he regularly uses software to compose his designs… you know, just so his assistants can have something to work off of. “But it’s different,” Koons clarified. “That’s genius at play. Not code. I’m an artist. AI is just… science. Cold, dead science.”
Art critic Blaine Humberson disagrees: “Jeff Koons refusing to use AI in his art is like a microwave refusing to process frozen pizza out of respect for pizza ovens. But hey, respect where it’s due—the man has managed to turn ‘large shiny things’ into a billion-dollar genre. If anyone can outwit AI, it’s him.”
As technology continues to barrel forward, Koons remains resolute. “I’m all for innovation,” he said, pausing to adjust the reflective suit jacket that suspiciously resembles his balloon creations. “But when it comes to the glistening surface of a metal bunny, I believe in the purity of the human fingerprint. Well, technically my assistants’ fingerprints, but you get the idea.”
So, for now, rest assured, Koons fans: no algorithm is coming for your $91.1 million balloon animals. Because even in the age of artificial intelligence, it takes a human to dream of making something so gloriously absurd—and charge more than the GDP of a small country for it.
