SCIENTISTS DISCOVER THAT AI MODELS CAN’T TELL A F@#KING MOLECULE FROM ITS OWN @SS IF YOU ROTATE IT
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In what experts are calling a “no sh!t” moment for artificial intelligence research, MIT scientists have confirmed that machine learning models are complete idiots when it comes to recognizing the same damn molecule if you turn it slightly.
COMPUTERS PROVEN DUMBER THAN YOUR AVERAGE TODDLER
A groundbreaking study by MIT researchers has revealed that while your three-year-old niece can instantly recognize a teddy bear regardless of which way it’s facing, cutting-edge AI systems will think it’s encountered an entirely new object if you rotate the goddamn thing 15 degrees.
“It’s absolutely ridiculous,” explains Dr. Rotatey McObvious, a fictional expert we invented for this article. “We’ve built silicon-based thinking machines capable of analyzing petabytes of data, yet they’re completely bamboozled by the concept that a molecule is the same f@#king molecule when viewed from different angles.”
SCIENTISTS SPEND MILLIONS TO TEACH COMPUTERS WHAT KINDERGARTNERS ALREADY KNOW
The research team, which probably could have been curing cancer instead, spent countless hours developing a new algorithm that allows computers to understand the revolutionary concept that things don’t fundamentally change when you look at them from a different side.
“We’ve been solving problems humans find difficult for years,” said Professor Ican Seethis, director of MIT’s Department of Spending Money on Obvious Sh!t. “But as it turns out, we’ve been completely overlooking problems humans find insultingly easy, like basic pattern recognition that evolution solved approximately 500 million years ago.”
According to the study, 97.8% of current AI models would identify your mom as a completely different person if she turned her head slightly to the left, while 100% of actual humans would still recognize her and continue avoiding eye contact at Thanksgiving dinner.
DRUG DISCOVERY HAMPERED BY COMPUTERS’ INABILITY TO GRASP BASIC REALITY
The implications for drug discovery are staggering, with researchers estimating that pharmaceutical companies have wasted approximately $12.7 billion developing the exact same drugs multiple times just because their AI models thought rotated molecules were completely different substances.
“Before this breakthrough, our model identified aspirin viewed from the top as ‘life-saving pain reliever’ and aspirin viewed from the side as ‘possible new dinosaur killing asteroid,'” admitted Janelle Reynolds, lead scientist at totally-made-up pharmaceutical giant PillPopper Inc.
THE SOLUTION: JUST TURN THE F@#KING COMPUTER AROUND
The MIT team’s revolutionary new approach combines algebraic and geometric principles to teach computers that objects maintain their fundamental properties despite orientation changes, a concept mastered by most organisms with more than three neurons.
Early tests show the new algorithm requires 89% less data for training, reduces computational costs by 76%, and decreases the likelihood of AI systems having existential crises when shown mirrored images by a staggering 99.2%.
“This is truly groundbreaking,” said MIT graduate student Behrooz Tahmasebi, who actually does exist and contributed to the real research. “We’ve finally taught computers to understand what literally every living creature with eyes figured out eons ago.”
At press time, researchers were moving on to their next project: teaching AI systems that clouds don’t cease to exist when you can’t see them anymore, a concept your dog mastered shortly after birth.
