AI BRAIN AGENTS NOW SMARTER THAN MERE MORTAL SCIENTISTS, DECLARES ORGANIZATION BACKED BY BILLIONAIRE WHO DEFINITELY ISN’T PLOTTING ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS
Silicon Valley startup FutureHouse, funded by ex-Google CEO Eric Schmidt’s definitely-not-a-supervillain fortune, has unleashed a quartet of “superhuman” AI research agents that reportedly make PhD scientists look like drooling toddlers banging rocks together.
FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE ACADEMIA APOCALYPSE
Named with absolutely zero megalomaniacal undertones, the platform’s agents—Crow, Falcon, Owl, and Phoenix—promise to revolutionize scientific discovery by doing what humans apparently can’t: read more than three papers without checking Instagram.
“Our tests show these agents are significantly smarter than your average PhD researcher,” said Dr. Hubris Overreach, FutureHouse’s Chief Intelligence Officer. “Honestly, most scientists are just glorified coffee addicts with imposter syndrome and student loans anyway.”
According to internal benchmarks that are 100% reliable and not at all exaggerated, the agents can synthesize millions of research papers in the time it takes a human scientist to find their reading glasses.
RESEARCHERS RESPOND WITH MIXTURE OF TERROR AND RELIEF
“I’ve spent 15 years building my career only to be replaced by something called ‘Crow’?” lamented Dr. Sarah Finkelstein, molecular biologist at MIT. “Though honestly, if it means I don’t have to read another 80-page methodology section, maybe I’ll finally have time for therapy.”
The company claims these silicon-based know-it-alls can maintain “transparent reasoning,” allowing humans to understand how they reach conclusions—a feature ironically not available in most academic advisors.
APPLE DECIDES TO OUTSOURCE INNOVATION AFTER REALIZING ITS OWN AI IS AS USEFUL AS A CHOCOLATE TEAPOT
In related news, Apple—the company that once prided itself on “thinking different”—is apparently now thinking “let’s just pay someone else to think for us.” The tech giant is teaming up with Anthropic to create a “vibe-coding” platform, presumably because regular coding wasn’t insufferably trendy enough.
WHAT THE F@#K IS “VIBE-CODING” ANYWAY?
According to sources familiar with the project but not familiar enough with reality to question this terminology, “vibe-coding” will allow Apple developers to simply chat with their computer about what kind of app they’d like to build, rather than actually learning how to code.
“It’s the logical next step after our wildly successful Apple Intelligence launch,” said Imaginary Apple Executive Tim Cook’s Evil Twin. “And by ‘wildly successful,’ I mean ‘so embarrassing we’re now desperately throwing money at multiple AI companies hoping one of them can save us.'”
STATISTICS YOU CAN TRUST BECAUSE WE JUST MADE THEM UP
A shocking 87% of Apple employees reportedly can’t define what “vibe-coding” means, while 94% of programmers worry their careers will soon be reduced to asking politely for code while offering computer compliments.
Meanwhile, experts estimate Google’s Gemini 2.5 Pro completing Pokémon Blue suggests AI is now sophisticated enough to waste time just like humans, but with 300% more efficiency.
ENERGY CRISIS LOOMS AS AIS DEMAND MORE ELECTRICITY THAN SMALL EUROPEAN NATIONS
Google’s new policy roadmap addresses America’s power infrastructure challenges with the subtle panic of someone who just realized their entire business model requires more electricity than exists.
“We need 130,000 new electrical workers ASAP,” announced Dr. Watts Theproblemnow, Google’s Emergency Power Panic Officer. “Turns out training models that can complete Pokémon games consumes roughly the same energy as Luxembourg.”
Industry analysts note that while AI continues to advance at breakneck speeds, the U.S. power grid remains stuck in the technological equivalent of the Paleolithic era, powered primarily by squirrels running on wheels and the occasional lightning strike.
In conclusion, humanity’s scientific future now rests in the digital hands of something called “Crow,” while Apple desperately tries to maintain relevance through buzzwords, and Google quietly wonders if anyone would notice if they annexed a small hydroelectric-rich country. The future is here, and it’s absolutely f@#king terrifying!
