BREAKING: Humanity Officially Surrenders to AI After Refusing to Learn Basic Excel

The human species has collectively thrown in the towel. Our final battle? Microsoft Excel.

Thanks to the new “Columns AI,” people will never again have to manually create charts, graphs, or, heaven forbid, learn a single Excel formula. The dream of mathematical laziness has finally been achieved.

“Learning Excel used to be a necessary skill,” said tech consultant Derek Mills, sipping his fourth coffee of the morning. “Now, anyone with two clicks and a vague idea of what they want can produce a pie chart that means absolutely nothing. Progress!”

The AI’s auto-generation feature allows users to avoid critical thinking altogether. Need a bar graph? Boom. Want a scatter plot? Done. Wish to demonstrate financial ruin with a graph of your failed startup? It’s already formatted in PowerPoint for your inevitable meeting with bankruptcy lawyers.

Corporate workers across the globe are already celebrating. Sandra Thompson, an office manager in Ohio, cheered, “I used to spend hours on reports. Now, I just let AI do it, pretend I worked hard, and go back to scrolling TikTok.”

Of course, there are concerns. Economists warn that total reliance on AI for data visualization could lead to an entire generation that thinks an “x-axis” is a new drug. Some experts argue that outsourcing chart-making to AI could make people dangerously dumb. But why sweat it? If history has proven anything, it’s that people love tools that make them lazier.

Meanwhile, longtime Excel users are mourning the decline of the spreadsheet dark arts. “I dedicated my life to mastering pivot tables,” said Mark Benson, an Excel wizard who now fears redundancy. “What are we, the old guard, supposed to do? Teach people how to use the ‘sum’ function for nostalgia’s sake?”

Despite rising concerns, Microsoft’s engineers remain unconcerned. “Sure, people may lose the ability to interpret charts, but let’s not get bogged down in the ‘consequences.’ What matters is that the graphs look pretty,” said a developer before asking AI to summarize this interview in bullet points.

Experts predict that within five years, executives will present AI-generated reports they don’t understand to boardrooms full of people who don’t care. And really, that’s the dream.