GOVERNMENT ACCIDENTALLY ABOLISHES NHS WHILE TRYING TO HIT CRICKET BALL
In what experts are calling “the most British f@#k-up since Brexit,” the UK government today announced plans to abolish NHS England while frantically dodging cricket balls that threatened to delay the construction of 139 desperately needed homes in Bingley.
CRICKET BALLS: THE SILENT KILLER OF BRITISH HEALTHCARE
Prime Minister Keir Starmer, visibly sweating through his M&S suit, attempted to explain the relationship between cricket ball trajectories and the complete dismantling of the nation’s healthcare system.
“Look, it’s quite simple,” Starmer said, ducking as an imaginary cricket ball whizzed past his head. “We can’t have homes because cricket balls might hit windows, and we can’t have healthcare because… well, same principle really. Too many balls in the air.”
UNION REPRESENTATIVES “ABSOLUTELY SH!TTING THEMSELVES”
Unison, the public service union representing thousands of NHS workers, described the announcement as “shambolic” and “the kind of thing you’d expect from someone who thinks cricket ball analysis is more important than cancer treatment.”
Dr. Ima Goner, Head of Sudden Policy Announcements at the Institute for What The Actual F@#k, told reporters: “Approximately 87.3% of government decisions are now made by throwing darts at a board containing random words like ‘abolish,’ ‘NHS,’ and ‘cricket ball consultant.'”
EXPERTS WARN OF “REGULATORY CRICKET APOCALYPSE”
The government’s fixation on the “ball strike assessment” has raised serious concerns among healthcare professionals.
“Yesterday I performed open-heart surgery,” said cardiac surgeon Professor Ben Dover. “Today I’m learning how to calculate the trajectory of a cricket ball hit by a drunk 45-year-old during a Sunday league match. The skills are apparently transferable.”
GOVERNMENT PROMISES “ACTIVE” RESPONSE TO CRISIS THEY CREATED
Starmer defended his administration’s approach as “dynamic” and “on the pitch,” terms that confused many observers given the cricket-related context of his remarks.
“The state employs more people than ever before,” Starmer noted, “yet somehow we’re getting less done than a sloth on ketamine.”
THE DEVASTATING HUMAN COST
Among those affected by the dual cricket ball/healthcare crisis is 78-year-old Ethel Bingley (no relation to the town), who has been waiting 18 months for a hip replacement.
“I’ve been told my surgery is delayed because the orthopedic surgeon has been reassigned to determine if cricket balls pose a threat to some flats,” she said. “On the bright side, if a cricket ball hits me in the hip, I might finally get some attention.”
GOVERNMENT UNVEILS NEW SLOGAN: “FEWER HOSPITALS, MORE CRICKET”
In a surprise announcement, Health Secretary Wes Streeting revealed plans to convert underperforming hospitals into cricket pitches.
“We’ve determined that the average Briton would rather have a nice game of cricket than functioning kidneys,” Streeting explained. “Also, waiting lists can be substantially reduced if patients are repeatedly hit by cricket balls. They either recover spontaneously or, you know, stop being our problem.”
As of press time, 97% of civil servants have been reassigned to cricket ball trajectory analysis, while the remaining 3% are frantically Googling “can you run NHS with ChatGPT and three interns.”
