DESPERATE EMPLOYEE LEARNS TO SAY ‘AI’ IN MEETINGS, GETS PROMOTION DESPITE KNOWING NOTHING
In a groundbreaking discovery for mediocre professionals everywhere, local account manager Brad Worthington secured a substantial promotion and 42% pay increase simply by mentioning AI at strategic moments during company meetings.
CAREER EXPERTS CONFIRM: SAYING ‘LEVERAGE AI’ CAN REPLACE ACTUAL COMPETENCE
“I was about to be fired for consistently missing deadlines and spending four hours daily on fantasy football,” admitted Worthington. “Then I started randomly saying things like ‘we should leverage AI for this’ and ‘what if we applied machine learning to optimize our workflow?’ and suddenly I’m being called ‘visionary’ and ‘forward-thinking’.”
According to LinkedIn’s latest skills report, competency with artificial intelligence tops the list of in-demand workplace skills, beating out traditional qualifications like “basic literacy” and “showing up conscious.”
COMPANY DESPERATELY THROWS MONEY AT EMPLOYEES WHO SIMPLY MENTION THE LETTERS ‘A’ AND ‘I’ CONSECUTIVELY
HR consultant and corporate buzzword specialist Dr. Trendy Buzzman explained the phenomenon: “Approximately 97.8% of executives have no f@#king clue what AI actually does, but they’re terrified of appearing outdated. Mentioning AI triggers their primal fear response, causing them to throw promotions at you like a panicked zoo visitor throwing sandwiches at a bear.”
The report shows that employees who casually drop phrases like “neural networks,” “deep learning,” and “algorithmic decision matrices” receive 83% more respect from colleagues despite understanding these concepts with the same depth that toddlers understand quantum physics.
COMPANY OVERLOOKS ACTUAL AI EXPERTS IN FAVOR OF GUY WHO SAYS “CHATGPT” WITH CONFIDENCE
Senior developer Aisha Chen, who holds a PhD in machine learning and has published 14 research papers on artificial intelligence, remains stuck in a junior position. “I tried explaining how we could implement practical AI solutions to streamline our data processing,” she said, “but apparently I didn’t use enough meaningless jargon or wave my hands excitedly enough.”
Meanwhile, Kevin from marketing, who once asked if the cloud “works when it’s raining,” received a corner office after declaring the company should “synergize blockchain AI to leverage quantum growth potential.”
LinkedIn career strategist Emma Bullsh!tter advises job seekers: “Don’t waste time learning actual AI skills. Just memorize about 12 AI-adjacent terms and practice saying them with unearned confidence. For bonus points, draw incomprehensible diagrams with lots of arrows and circles labeled ‘AI GOES HERE’.”
According to industry observers, approximately 72% of companies are now allocating substantial budgets toward employees who confidently say “AI” in meetings, regardless of whether any artificial intelligence is subsequently deployed or even remotely applicable to the business.
At press time, Worthington had been named his company’s first “Chief AI Innovation Disruptor” after suggesting they “utilize ChatGPT to revolutionize the way we send birthday cards to clients,” a task previously handled by the office intern with a pack of Hallmark cards.
