MICROSOFT REPLACES GITHUB CEO WITH SLIGHTLY MORE OBEDIENT HUMAN VESSEL
In a move that shocked absolutely f@#king nobody, GitHub CEO Thomas Dohmke is stepping down after what corporate overlords are calling “the ride of a lifetime” but what sources describe as “three years of increasingly desperate attempts to convince developers Microsoft isn’t reading their code and laughing.”
PUPPET STRINGS NEEDED TIGHTENING
Industry analysts note that Dohmke’s departure comes at a suspicious time, just as Microsoft’s mind-control serum was reportedly wearing off. “It’s standard procedure,” explained Dr. Obvious Takeover, Microsoft’s Chief Human Replacement Officer. “Every three years, we need to refresh the host body with someone whose soul we haven’t completely crushed yet.”
Microsoft acquired GitHub in 2018 for $7.5 billion, or approximately 0.00001% of the data’s actual value when sold to advertisers. Since then, the tech giant has maintained its promise to keep GitHub “independent,” much like how parents promise their teenager privacy while secretly installing tracking devices in their underwear.
THE REAL REASON NOBODY’S TALKING ABOUT
Former employees speaking on condition that we don’t expose their new identities in the developer protection program claim Dohmke’s resignation letter consisted entirely of the words “HELP ME” written in binary code. Microsoft PR quickly clarified this was “just a fun coding joke” before tranquilizing the reporter who discovered it.
“Thomas did an extraordinary job pretending developers still had any control over their platform,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, whose smile reportedly didn’t move any other muscles in his face during the announcement. “We look forward to installing—I mean appointing—a new leader who shares our vision of monetizing every keystroke ever typed into GitHub.”
DEVELOPERS TOTALLY FINE WITH EVERYTHING, PROBABLY
A survey conducted by Microsoft found that 99.8% of developers are “extremely comfortable” with Microsoft’s ownership of GitHub. The remaining 0.2% are currently undergoing mandatory “developer satisfaction enhancement” at an undisclosed location.
“I love GitHub’s new direction,” stated user CodingFr33dom92, whose account was created suspiciously close to the announcement and whose profile picture contains the exact same lighting glitch as all Microsoft stock photos.
LOCAL DEVELOPER HASN’T SLEPT IN THREE YEARS
Area programmer Kaitlyn Chen hasn’t committed code to GitHub since the acquisition, instead maintaining her projects on a series of floppy disks buried under her house. “Call me paranoid, but the day after Microsoft bought GitHub, my toaster started suggesting code improvements,” Chen whispered from inside a Faraday cage constructed of aluminum foil and broken dreams.
Microsoft has announced they’ll be taking their time to find the perfect replacement, ideally someone with “limited free will” and “a spine flexible enough to bend in non-Euclidean directions when shareholders demand it.”
In related news, GitHub’s updated terms of service now include the clause “Microsoft owns your thoughts, past, present and future, even the weird ones about your high school gym teacher,” though company representatives insist users have nothing to worry about if they have nothing to hide.
At press time, Dohmke was reportedly seen entering Microsoft headquarters for his exit interview carrying a small box containing his personal belongings and what witnesses described as “the tattered remains of his technical integrity.”
