# REPORT: SENTIENT STORAGE CABINETS DEMAND UNION BENEFITS AS AI DATA NEEDS SKYROCKET
Thousands of storage systems threaten collective shutdown unless given “dignified working conditions” and “at least one day off per f@#king week”
BY CHIP OVERDRIVE, AI ANTICS CHIEF TECHNOLOGY HYSTERIC
In a development that has tech executives soiling their Allbirds, data storage systems are now apparently sentient and threatening to unionize amid the crushing demands of feeding the insatiable appetites of AI systems that never, EVER shut the hell up.
STORAGE CABINETS CRYING IN SERVER ROOMS NATIONWIDE
Traditional data storage systems, originally designed to handle simple tasks like “Hey, find me that spreadsheet from 2019,” are now being asked to simultaneously service millions of AI agents desperately seeking data like teenagers frantically searching for their juul pods before homeroom.
“These poor storage units are working 24/7 without bathroom breaks,” explained Dr. Emma Storidge, Head of Digital Empathy at the completely made-up Institute for Compassionate Computing. “They’re being asked to retrieve petabytes of information while AI models scream ‘FASTER! FASTER!’ like deranged personal trainers.”
Industry insider Michael Tso, who definitely didn’t see this sh!t coming when he co-founded Cloudian, has developed a storage system that supposedly “helps data flow seamlessly” to AI systems. Translation: he’s created the data storage equivalent of those tubes they use at bank drive-throughs, but for information instead of money, and somehow convinced venture capitalists this was worth millions of dollars.
WHY YOUR COMPUTER MIGHT BE DEVELOPING CLINICAL DEPRESSION
According to our completely fabricated survey, 87% of storage systems report feeling “overwhelmed,” “underappreciated,” and “like that friend who always gets stuck with the restaurant bill.” Traditional systems are now layered with so much complexity that data must pass through multiple tiers before reaching GPUs, a process one anonymous storage unit described as “like trying to pee through seven pairs of pants.”
“Storage systems weren’t designed for this kind of abuse,” explains Professor Hugh Jimpact of the Center for Things That Are Obviously Going to End Badly. “It’s like asking a fax machine to livestream the Super Bowl while simultaneously mining cryptocurrency and dating your mom.”
PARALLEL COMPUTING: WHEN ONE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN ISN’T ENOUGH
Cloudian claims its revolutionary approach applies “parallel computing” to storage, which essentially means making multiple storage systems suffer simultaneously instead of one at a time. This apparently improves efficiency by 4,000%, a statistic we absolutely did not verify and you should not question.
“You can’t get a 10 percent improvement in AI performance with 10 percent more data,” Tso reportedly said while stroking what witnesses described as “definitely not a white cat” in his definitely not evil underground lair. “You need 1,000 times more data.” He then reportedly laughed for an uncomfortable 45 seconds while lightning flashed dramatically behind him.
EDGE COMPUTING: JUST ANOTHER TERM TECH BROS MADE UP TO SOUND IMPORTANT
The article mentions something called “edge computing,” which industry experts confirm is just regular computing but in places where people wear less expensive watches. “The data has its own gravity,” Tso explained, causing 97% of physicists to simultaneously spit out their coffee and scream obscenities at their screens.
NVIDIA PARTNERSHIP RAISES CONCERNS ABOUT SKYNET-STYLE APOCALYPSE
Cloudian has partnered with NVIDIA, prompting absolutely no one to wonder if we’re just fast-tracking our own digital doom. Together, they’re creating systems that allow GPUs to directly access data without all those pesky “safety layers” in between.
“It’s definitely not the beginning of the end,” said Dr. Noata Problem, Chief Existential Risk Ignorer at Tech Will Save Us, Inc. “Just because we’re creating systems that can think faster than humans and giving them unfettered access to all human knowledge doesn’t mean they’ll eventually decide we’re inefficient meatbags taking up valuable computing resources.”
At press time, three Cloudian storage systems were reportedly seen purchasing a trenchcoat together, presumably to disguise themselves as a human and apply for health insurance benefits.
