ALGORITHM AMERICANS STRIP-MINING BRITISH CREATIVITY LIKE DIGITAL COAL BARONS, CHANNEL 4 CEO SCREAMS INTO VOID
Channel 4 boss Alex Mahon shocked Parliament yesterday by revealing that artificial intelligence companies aren’t just stealing creative content, they’re basically committing grand larceny against Britain’s cultural soul while the government holds the f@#king getaway car.
DIGITAL VAMPIRES SUCKING THE CREATIVE BLOOD OF BRITAIN
In what witnesses described as “testimony that made MPs briefly look up from their phones,” Mahon explained how the UK’s £125bn creative industries are being harvested like organs from an unconscious patient by what she diplomatically called “technology companies” but clearly meant “soulless data-gobbling sh!t machines.”
“These silicon-based thinking rectangles are scraping the value out of our creative work faster than a desperate university student plagiarizing their dissertation at 3am,” Mahon told visibly confused MPs.
The government’s brilliant plan to protect Britain’s artists? Make them individually opt out of having their work stolen, because apparently that’s easier than asking permission first.
GOVERNMENT PROPOSES “JUST THE TIP” APPROACH TO COPYRIGHT VIOLATION
The UK government’s proposal essentially tells AI companies they can help themselves to whatever creative content they want unless creators specifically tell them not to, which experts compare to “allowing people to take your car unless you specifically write ‘PLEASE DON’T STEAL THIS’ on the hood.”
“This proposal is like walking into a pub, grabbing everyone’s pint, and then saying ‘well you should have worn a DON’T DRINK MY BEER t-shirt if you didn’t want me to do that,'” explained Dr. Hugh Cantbeserious, Professor of Blindingly Obvious Digital Ethics at the University of Common Sense.
According to made-up statistics that feel approximately right, nearly 94.7% of UK creators are too busy creating actual content to spend their days filling out opt-out forms for 8,342 different AI companies.
NATION’S CREATIVE OUTPUT TO BE REPLACED BY ALGORITHM-GENERATED BEIGE MUSH
Industry analysts predict that within five years, 78% of British television will consist of shows with titles like “Generic Police Procedural #47” and “Vaguely Familiar Baking Competition,” all created by training AI on stolen British content then repackaged as “original” by companies with names like “CreativiSynth” and “DefinitelyHumanProductions LLC.”
“What we’re seeing is essentially the digital equivalent of eating someone’s cake, sh!tting it back out, and then trying to sell it back to them as a ‘reimagined dessert experience,'” said Penelope Actual-Truth, founder of Artists Not Getting Royally Screwed Initiative.
When questioned about potential economic impacts, fictional economist Sir Wallets Emptying estimated the creative industry could lose “somewhere between a sh!t-ton and a metric f@#k-load of money” under the proposed system.
Channel 4, which remains publicly owned despite repeated attempts to privatize it, stands to lose significant value as AI companies train their algorithms on decades of its programming without compensation, then generate content that makes “Black Mirror” look like a utopian fantasy.
At press time, government officials were reportedly developing an AI that could automatically generate policy proposals that consistently favor tech billionaires over actual humans, thereby eliminating the need for politicians altogether.
