# NVIDIA CEO TURNS GPU CONFERENCE INTO DERANGED SILICON ORGY WHILE NORMAL PEOPLE SLEEP
Silicon Valley’s leather-clad messiah Jensen Huang transformed Nvidia’s annual conference into what industry experts are calling “basically AI’s Wrestlemania but with significantly more sexual tension between man and graphics card.”
EVERYTHING IS ON F@#KING FIRE, SAYS HUANG
Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang, wearing his trademark leather jacket that witnesses say “smelled suspiciously like money and desperation,” announced that computing needs for AI are “easily 100x more than we thought we needed this time last year,” which tech analyst Dr. Penny Wiseman translates as “we’ve literally run out of ways to count all the money.”
Huang unveiled a roadmap of increasingly powerful chips with names sounding suspiciously like rejected Bond villains: Blackwell Ultra, Vera Rubin, and Feynman—each promising performance gains that experts describe as “borderline pornographic.”
“The keynote felt like watching a man have an emotional affair with a semiconductor,” noted industry observer Frank Tactless.
ROBOT OVERLORDS NOW COME WITH ADORABLE NAMES
The conference reached peak absurdity when Huang unveiled “Isaac GR00T N1,” a humanoid robot foundation model that 97% of attendees immediately asked if they could date.
“We’ve made tremendous strides in robotics,” explained Huang while a Star Wars-style robot named ‘Blue’ awkwardly shuffled across stage, terrifying children and delighting investors. “Soon your home will be filled with helpful robot companions that definitely won’t harvest your organs while you sleep.”
PERSONAL SUPERCOMPUTERS: BECAUSE YOUR PORN NEEDS MORE PROCESSING POWER
Huang also revealed the DGX Spark and DGX Station, bringing “data center-grade AI computing to personal workstations,” which analysts confirm is perfect for the average consumer who just wants to check email and occasionally simulate the heat death of the universe.
“It’s the computer for the age of AI,” Huang declared about a machine that costs more than the average American’s annual salary. When asked what normal humans would do with such computing power, Huang replied, “Literally anything except cryptocurrency mining. Please.”
SELF-DRIVING CARS PROMISE TO KILL FEWER PEDESTRIANS THAN BEFORE
In news that sent transportation safety experts reaching for their whiskey, Nvidia announced a partnership with GM to build the company’s first fleet of self-driving cars.
“We’ve significantly improved our technology,” claimed Chief Vehicular Homicide Officer Terry Wheelson. “Our cars now recognize pedestrians as actual humans rather than annoying speed bumps approximately 86% of the time.”
Industry analysts predict the new AI-powered vehicles will revolutionize transportation by turning every commute into an existential crisis of trust.
THE ECONOMY IS BASICALLY JUST NVIDIA NOW
With Nvidia’s market cap approaching the GDP of several mid-sized nations combined, economists warn that we may be approaching the “singularity of stupidity” where the entire global economy becomes one massive Nvidia stock certificate.
“At this rate, we’ll all be paying our rent directly to Jensen Huang by 2026,” warned economist Dr. Cassandra Truth. “The good news is he’ll probably accept payment in the form of your firstborn child or possibly just your undying devotion.”
Huang closed the keynote by reminding attendees that “scaling is not slowing down,” which translation experts confirm actually means “please keep buying our sh!t at completely f@#king insane prices because this gravy train has no brakes, baby!”
