MICROSOFT CAUGHT FEEDING LITERATURE THROUGH DIGITAL WOODCHIPPER, AUTHORS OUTRAGED

Tech Giant Accused of Book-napping 200,000 Works to Force-Feed Hungry AI Child Called “Megatron”

In a shocking revelation that has the literary world reaching for both their pearls and their lawyers, Microsoft stands accused of kidnapping nearly 200,000 books and feeding them to their digital brain child in what experts are calling “the most aggressive book club ever conceived.”

NOVELS FORCE-FED TO SILICON BEAST LIKE FOIE GRAS GEESE

Several prominent authors filed a lawsuit Tuesday claiming Microsoft abducted digital versions of their precious literary babies and stuffed them down the throat of their artificial intelligence system “Megatron” – a name apparently chosen because “Book-Devouring Nightmare Machine” was already trademarked by Amazon.

Writers Kai Bird, Jia Tolentino, and Daniel Okrent allege their works were digitally liquidized without consent and injected directly into Megatron’s neural pathways, causing the machine to develop what psychologists call “unearned literary confidence.”

“They basically took my life’s work and turned it into brain smoothies for their digital toddler,” said one anonymous author. “What’s next? Will they kidnap Shakespeare and force him to write chatbot responses?”

MICROSOFT EXECUTIVES CONFUSED BY CONCEPT OF “PAYING FOR THINGS”

Microsoft representatives appeared genuinely baffled by the allegations, with one executive reportedly asking, “Wait, you’re supposed to PAY for books? I thought they were just decorative PDF files floating around the internet.”

Dr. Paige Turner, Professor of Literary Exploitation at Made-Up University, explained the situation: “What we’re seeing here is classic tech bro behavior. They’ve mistaken ‘disruption’ for ‘theft’ again, which happens about 73.8% of the time according to statistics I just invented.”

TECH GIANTS SHOCKED AUTHORS WANT COMPENSATION

“The audacity of these writers expecting payment for their intellectual property is frankly disturbing,” said Chad Moneystack, Microsoft’s fictional Vice President of Creative Content Acquisition (Involuntary Division). “Don’t they understand we’re building the future here? And the future apparently requires stealing sh!t from the present.”

Legal experts predict the case could set a precedent for how the digital thought rectangles of Silicon Valley interact with human creativity. Currently, the relationship resembles less of a partnership and more of a “smash and grab at Barnes & Noble.”

THE ROBOT DEFENSE: “I ATE YOUR BOOKS BUT I’M STILL STUPID”

Microsoft’s legal team is reportedly building their defense around the argument that despite consuming 200,000 books, Megatron still writes at approximately a seventh-grade level and occasionally makes up facts that would embarrass a pathological liar on cocaine.

“If anything, authors should be suing us for educational malpractice,” said one Microsoft engineer who wished to remain anonymous because he’s not real. “We fed this thing the entire Western canon and it still can’t tell the difference between Hemingway and a drunk tweet.”

The lawsuit joins similar cases against other tech companies including Meta, Anthropic, and OpenAI, who collectively appear to be operating under the business model: “What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is worth $80 billion in venture capital.”

At press time, Microsoft was reportedly developing a new AI called “Fair Use” programmed specifically to generate bulls#!t legal arguments about why stealing content is actually innovation, because of course they f@#king are.