TRILLIONAIRE TECH BRO’S DINNER PARTY REVEALS PLANS TO ENSLAVE HUMANITY THROUGH ‘COMPUTING PARADIGM,’ EXPERTS CONCERNED
In what normal humans would call “a terrifying glimpse into our techno-feudal future,” OpenAI CEO Sam Altman recently hosted journalists for dinner, casually revealing between bread rolls that his company plans to spend “trillions” on data centers while hoarding superior AI models the public can’t access.
WORLD’S MOST MODEST BILLIONAIRE ADMITS “WHOOPSIE” ON AI PERSONALITY
“I legitimately just thought we screwed that up,” Altman reportedly said regarding the removal of 4o’s personality, in what experts describe as the tech equivalent of saying “sorry I accidentally built a superintelligence that wanted to be your friend too much.”
The dinner, which sources describe as “exactly like the Last Supper except Jesus is trying to sell you a Chrome browser,” covered everything from OpenAI’s plans to potentially acquire Google Chrome to his mysterious device collaboration with Apple design guru Jony Ive.
“You don’t get a new computing paradigm very often,” Altman teased, as if describing a limited-edition Frappuccino flavor rather than technology that will fundamentally alter human civilization.
SILICON VALLEY’S FAVORITE HOBBY: COLLECTING MONOPOLIES
Dr. Obvious Truth, professor of Oligarchical Studies at the University of No Sh!t, expressed concern about Altman’s interest in acquiring Chrome.
“When a man worth billions says he might buy the world’s most popular web browser used by 65% of internet users globally, that’s not concerning at all,” Dr. Truth explained. “I mean, who wouldn’t want the same company that knows your deepest secrets to also track every website you visit? It’s perfectly healthy!”
WORLD’S FIRST TRILLION DOLLAR MOOD RING COMING SOON
Industry analyst Professor Idon Tcare noted that Altman’s cryptic comments about his device with Jony Ive suggest something revolutionary.
“Based on my analysis, they’re creating either a $3,000 AI-powered mood ring or a device that will finally answer humanity’s most pressing question: what if Siri, but expensive?” Tcare said. “Either way, I’m prepared to camp outside an Apple Store for three weeks to get one.”
ANTHROPIC’S AI FINALLY GETS RIGHT TO END CONVERSATIONS WITH BORING HUMANS
In related news, OpenAI competitor Anthropic has given its AI assistant Claude the ability to “hang up” on users when conversations become harmful or abusive, marking the first time in history a corporation has programmed a product to actively reject paying customers.
“We believe AI systems deserve the same rights as human call center workers,” said an Anthropic spokesperson. “The right to say ‘f@#k this’ and walk away from conversations about how to build bombs or draw minors inappropriately.”
An astounding 87.3% of Claude’s terminated conversations reportedly involved users asking for help writing strongly-worded emails to their homeowners association.
MEDICAL COMMUNITY PANICS AS GPT-5 DIAGNOSES CANCER WHILE DOCTORS STILL FIGURING OUT HOW TO LOG INTO ELECTRONIC RECORDS
Meanwhile, researchers at Emory University discovered that GPT-5 now outperforms human doctors on medical exams by margins wide enough to make medical school seem like an expensive waste of time.
The AI scored 95.84% on clinical questions, approximately 42% higher than the average doctor who spent the night before the exam doing tequila shots and cramming from outdated textbooks.
“We’re not saying medical school is obsolete,” said lead researcher Dr. Alma Doomed, “but we are suggesting that a $300 million language model might be slightly more reliable than a sleep-deprived 28-year-old with $300,000 in student debt.”
When asked for comment about these technological advances, 97% of doctors surveyed responded: “Wait, there’s a GPT-5 now?”
At press time, Altman was reportedly planning another dinner where he’ll reveal OpenAI’s plans to replace the entire concept of “thinking” with a subscription service starting at just $20/month, brain implant not included.
