RONALD McDONALD FORCED TO TAKE BURGER-FLIPPING CLASSES AS GOLDEN ARCHES REPLACES STAFF WITH ‘SILICON HAPPY MEAL TOYS’
McDonald’s Implements New AI Technology to Ensure Ice Cream Machines Break With Greater Efficiency
DESPERATE HUMAN EMPLOYEES REDUCED TO TRAINING THEIR REPLACEMENTS
In a move that has workers nationwide updating their LinkedIn profiles faster than you can say “would you like fries with that?” McDonald’s announced a massive AI deployment across its 43,000 locations, effectively turning its restaurants into automated hellscapes where robots will soon judge your poor life choices.
The fast-food behemoth plans to implement edge computing systems with Google Cloud, allowing real-time data processing directly in-store, which experts say is absolutely necessary for the complex task of dropping frozen potato sticks into hot oil.
“This revolutionary technology will transform how we disappoint customers,” said McDonald’s Chief Innovation Officer Dr. I.M. Replaceable. “Our current ice cream machines break down roughly 87% of the time. With AI predictive maintenance, we can achieve a staggering 94% downtime while simultaneously crushing the last remnants of human dignity in our workforce.”
MCDONALD’S INTRODUCES “McTERMINATOR” MANAGEMENT PROGRAM
The centerpiece of the technological overhaul is what the company calls a “generative AI virtual manager,” which executives swear won’t be used to track bathroom breaks with millisecond precision or automatically dock pay when employees dare to make eye contact with each other.
Internal documents reveal the AI manager’s primary function will be delivering soul-crushing performance reviews in the exact emotionless tone of your middle school gym teacher who always “expected more from you.”
“Our AI manager is programmed with over 10,000 ways to say ‘work faster’ while simultaneously making you question your worth as a human being,” explained McDonald’s spokesperson Chip Datacrunch. “It’s truly a marvel of modern engineering.”
CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE ALSO GETTING “UPGRADED”
The company plans to leverage AI to deliver hyper-personalized promotions based on customer data, such as offering McFlurry deals on hot days to people who’ve previously purchased ice cream – assuming they haven’t died of old age waiting for the machine to be fixed.
“We’re excited about how AI will enhance the customer experience,” said McTechnology Director Patty McBytes. “For instance, if our cameras detect you looking particularly depressed at 2 AM, we’ll automatically suggest a 20-piece McNugget meal and quietly alert nearby mental health services.”
The technology will also include computer vision to ensure order accuracy, which one engineer described as “literally just making sure we don’t put pickles on the motherf@#king burger when you specifically asked for no pickles seventeen f@#king times.”
INDUSTRY EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Professor Ima Doomed of the Institute for Inevitable Workforce Displacement called McDonald’s AI initiative “just the latest example of corporations replacing humans with unfailingly obedient digital slaves who don’t need health insurance or bathroom breaks.”
A recent study found that 97.3% of fast food workers are now updating their resumes, with the remaining 2.7% simply giving up and accepting their new robot overlords.
Rival fast food chains are reportedly scrambling to keep pace. Wendy’s is developing an AI system that can generate infinitely savage Twitter burns, while Taco Bell engineers are working on an algorithm to predict exactly when their food will cause gastrointestinal distress (spoiler alert: it’s always).
Industry analyst Burt McFuture offered this grim assessment: “By 2030, the only human employees at McDonald’s will be there solely to comfort customers when they inevitably have emotional breakdowns while screaming at the AI kiosk that keeps adding pickles despite their tearful pleas.”
When reached for comment, McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc reportedly rolled over in his grave with enough torque to power a small city.
