AI Is Here to Save the World—By Turning It Into a Giant, Glowing Heat Lamp

In what can only be described as humanity’s latest attempt to outwit itself, the unrelenting rise of artificial intelligence now comes with a subtle catch: it’s devouring electricity like a starved raccoon at an all-you-can-eat dumpster buffet. And while AI may hold the promise of curing cancer, revolutionizing transportation, and writing your aunt’s Christmas newsletters, it appears its first real accomplishment is skyrocketing your electric bill and slowing down the clean energy revolution we keep putting off like a dental appointment.

Data centers, the sprawling Costco-sized warehouses stuffed with computer servers, are multiplying faster than TikTok trends. Each one consumes more electricity than a small city yet provides slightly fewer jobs than the average lemonade stand. Experts estimate that by 2030, U.S. data centers will use 9% of the nation’s total electricity, or roughly the amount required to keep Elon Musk’s ego afloat.

“They’re popping up everywhere, and they’re hungry as hell,” said William H. Green, Director of the MIT Enlightened Geniuses Initiative, who looked more sleep-deprived than a server technician on double duty. “In the past, electricity ran fridges, lights, and a few microwaved Hot Pockets. Now it’s all going to train algorithms that recommend which Netflix show you’ll fall asleep to next.”

And as if this arms race for server supremacy wasn’t enough, the energy giants of Silicon Valley—Google, Amazon, and Microsoft—have a new brainstorm: nuclear reactors. Yes, the very AI trying to calculate your life expectancy based on how many steps you took today will soon be powered by the same technology that brought you Chernobyl. Microsoft recently announced plans to resurrect a reactor near Three Mile Island, because apparently nothing screams “progress” like digging up ghosts from the nation’s worst nuclear disaster.

“If AI wants reliable, carbon-free energy, then nuclear is the answer,” said Jeff O’Neal, Vice President of Reassuring Things Are Totally Safe at Microsoft. “Sure, it’s got a *little* PR baggage—but hey, sometimes you’ve got to break a few radioactive eggs to make an AI-powered omelet.”

Meanwhile, Amazon and Meta are lining up to purchase their own nuclear setups, and Google is splurging on small modular nuclear reactors (SMRs) like a midlife crisis dad buying sports cars. “We’re committed to sustainability,” said a Google spokesperson, “and by that, we mean sustaining our servers long enough to figure out how to sell you more advertisements.”

Environmental advocates, of course, are having a field day. Thanks to AI’s insatiable appetite, coal-fired power plants are getting an unexpected second act, playing the role of the reluctant villain in this modern energy opera. “We were so close to shutting them down!” lamented Linda Fairbanks of Earth.Promise.org. “But apparently, your desire to generate AI art of cats dressed as Gandalf outweighs the threat of climate apocalypse. Cool, cool, cool.”

For those worried about the neighbors now living next door to these data-guzzling monstrosities, rest assured: you won’t notice much—aside from the increased blackouts, hiking utility prices, and mysterious humming noises that may or may not be the sound of the Matrix booting up. On the bright side, the giant servers will only require about 12 humans to operate, so don’t expect your local job market to boom anytime soon.

And let’s not forget the cherry on this dystopian sundae: energy-hogging servers now want to “outsource” their excess computing power to wherever electricity is cheap and green. “It’s called carbon-aware computing,” explained Deepjyoti Deka, another MIT scientist who probably hasn’t had a day off since dial-up internet was king. “Basically, if California’s grid is stressed, some of the processing can be shipped to places like, say, Montana.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’re about to live in a world where your TikTok FYP gets decided based on wind patterns in North Dakota.

In what can only be described as the plot of an Orwellian sitcom, your streaming binges, Instagram selfies, and poorly worded ChatGPT prompts are actively reshaping global power grids. But fear not, because MIT researchers are hard at work designing faster computer chips and smarter energy systems to ensure that AI can continue suggesting niche hobbies you’ll give up in a week—with fewer emissions.

“Humanity is in a race,” said Green solemnly, “a race to decarbonize the grid while ensuring the demand doesn’t crash it. Meanwhile, AI is in a different race, a race to recommend whether you’d look better in skinny jeans or joggers. We’re trying to figure out which race is worth more electricity.”

So, the next time you marvel at AI’s capacity to conjure a sonnet about your cat or help plan your wedding playlist, remember that it’s only possible because small nuclear reactors and coal plants are working overtime—and your electric bill might start requiring a payment plan. But hey, at least we’ve got smarter memes.