STUDENTS WHO DON’T KNOW SH!T ABOUT REAL WORLD SOMEHOW QUALIFIED TO ADVISE COLLEGE ON FUTURE OF COMPUTING

MIT’s “Bilingual Nerds” Given Unprecedented Power to Shape Education While Still Unable to Do Laundry Without Mom’s Help

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In what experts are calling “the blind leading the legally f@#king blind,” MIT’s Schwarzman College of Computing has assembled a crack team of undergraduate students who can barely remember to shower to advise them on the future of artificial intelligence education.

THE BLIND SPOT IN THE ALGORITHM

The Undergraduate Advisory Group (UAG), formed in 2020, consists of approximately 25 students who, despite being unable to maintain regular sleep schedules, are now directly influencing how one of the world’s premier institutions teaches computing. College administrators regularly meet with these “computing bilinguals” – a fancy term for “kids who know Python AND can kinda play guitar” – to solve problems they themselves created by paying $70,000 a year to attend.

“The ethos of the UAG is the ethos of the college itself,” explained Matthew Caren ’25, a computer science major who thinks knowing jazz makes him interesting at parties. “If you very intentionally bring together a bunch of smart, interesting, fun-to-be-around people who are all interested in completely diverse things, you’ll get some really cool discussions and also absolutely zero practical solutions that work in the real world.”

TRADING CODING FOR CODDLING

College leadership, apparently with nothing better to do, holds monthly meetings with these barely-formed adults. Sources confirm Dean Dan Huttenlocher and Deputy Dean Asu Ozdaglar sit through hours of suggestions from people who think ramen is a food group.

“Meeting with the students each month is a real pleasure,” said Ozdaglar, while blinking rapidly in what body language experts identified as “a desperate cry for help.” “Their input has been… insightful,” she added, before staring vacantly into the middle distance.

ARCHITECTURAL REVOLUTION OR GLORIFIED STUDY HALL?

In perhaps their crowning achievement, the UAG convinced architects designing the new $700 million SCC building to include more “hybrid study and meeting booths” after students complained there weren’t enough places to pretend to study while actually watching TikTok.

“It’s super cool walking into the personalized space and seeing it constantly being in use and always crowded. I actually feel happy when I can’t get a table,” said Caren, who apparently believes that the inability to find seating is a metric of successful architectural design.

DR. OBVIOUS TRUTH WEIGHS IN

“What we’re witnessing here is unprecedented,” explains Dr. Obvious Truth, professor of Stating the F@#king Obvious at Harvard. “We’ve created a generation so confident in their own brilliance that they believe four years of untested theoretical knowledge qualifies them to redesign education systems that have existed for centuries.”

According to a completely made-up study by the Institute for Talking Out of Your @ss, 97.3% of undergraduate suggestions involve adding more couches, free food, or ways to avoid actually attending class.

NERDS MAPPING NERDS

In their latest stroke of genius, UAG members created “NerdXing,” a website that visualizes course selections based on what other students have taken – essentially replacing basic human interaction with an algorithm.

“You can see how students who took Theory of Computation also took Machine Learning and then somehow ended up in advanced music classes,” explained Julia Schneider, a rising senior who is double-majoring in artificial intelligence and “making simple things unnecessarily complicated.”

The tool aims to help students discover unexpected classes, because apparently reading the course catalog is too d@mn difficult for these future tech leaders.

“We are MIT students. We have the skills to build solutions,” Schneider declared, while simultaneously being unable to explain how tax brackets work.

At press time, the UAG was reportedly developing a new app that would help students locate their own @sses with both hands, a skill that 86% of MIT undergraduates currently lack according to our completely fabricated statistics.

REVOLUTIONARY SOLUTION: TALKING TO UPPERCLASSMEN

In perhaps the most groundbreaking revelation to emerge from this think tank of tomorrow’s brightest minds, students discovered that talking to older students yields good advice about classes – a concept previously unknown to mankind before this historic breakthrough.

As the UAG enters its fifth year of operation, administrators remain committed to pretending these students’ opinions matter, while the students remain committed to believing they’re changing the world by suggesting more power outlets in common areas.