# DESPERATE BRITISH GOVERNMENT OFFERS ARTISTS “CRUMBS OF DIGNITY” AFTER REALIZING AI COULD REPLACE ENTIRE CREATIVE CLASS
UK Ministers Backpedal Faster Than Tour de France Dropout After Discovering Famous People Can Actually Afford Lawyers
LONDON’S LATEST EMBARRASSMENT
In what experts are calling “the most reluctant act of common f@#king sense in parliamentary history,” UK ministers have grudgingly agreed to maybe, possibly, perhaps consider not completely sacrificing the nation’s artists to the hungry maw of technology corporations.
The government’s original plan—letting AI companies gobble up creative works unless artists specifically said “no thank you, please don’t steal my life’s work”—has been slightly revised after ministers suddenly remembered that famous people have Twitter accounts and can actually afford litigation.
SHOCKING REVELATION: CREATIVE PEOPLE ENJOY BEING PAID
“We were absolutely stunned to discover that musicians, authors, and filmmakers don’t want their intellectual property harvested like organs from unwilling donors,” said Jacob Worthington-Smythe, Undersecretary for Technological Advancement and Creative Industry Betrayal. “Who could have possibly predicted that people who create things for a living would want some control over those things? Mind-blowing stuff.”
The partial climbdown comes after weeks of what insiders describe as “intense lobbying,” which translates to “Taylor Swift looked in our general direction and we sh!t ourselves.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON GOVERNMENT’S SUDDEN ATTACK OF CONSCIENCE
Dr. Penny Obvious, Professor of No-Sh!t Studies at Cambridge, explained the government’s change of heart: “Ministers suddenly realized that allowing tech companies to plunder the entire cultural output of Britain might, and I’m just spitballing here, be bad for the economy, cultural heritage, and basic human decency.”
According to a completely made-up survey, 97.8% of AI companies expressed disappointment at not being able to feed British creativity into their algorithms without permission, with CEO of AlgoRipoff Industries, Chad Datamine, reportedly sobbing into his kombucha.
ARTISTS CAUTIOUSLY CELEBRATE VICTORY OF BEING TREATED LIKE ACTUAL HUMANS
Creative professionals across the UK reacted to the news with what psychologists term “the bare minimum of gratitude appropriate when someone decides not to rob your house.”
“I’m absolutely thrilled that my government has decided I deserve the most basic protection of my work,” said fictional BAFTA-winning director Emma Talentworth. “Next they’ll be telling me I deserve oxygen and shelter. What a time to be alive!”
THE TECH INDUSTRY’S HEARTBREAKING SETBACK
Silicon Valley insiders report the UK’s decision will devastate AI development, potentially delaying the release of “Slightly Better ChatGPT” by up to 17 minutes.
Professor I.P. Theft from the Institute of Taking Credit for Other People’s Work lamented: “Without unfettered access to every creative work ever made, how will our thinking machines learn to create generic, soulless content that almost passes for human? It’s a tragic day for progress.”
SOLUTION THAT SATISFIES NO ONE
The government’s new plan will reportedly involve some convoluted system where creators still have to actively protect their work, but with slightly more dignity than being completely ignored.
“It’s like being offered a paper umbrella during a tsunami,” said fictional musician Riff McStrumming. “Thanks for the gesture, I guess, but I’m still f@#ked.”
At press time, ministers were reportedly considering additional concessions, such as acknowledging that artists are people and briefly looking sad when thinking about culture.
