HELICOPTER PARENTS NOW OUTSOURCING HOVERING TO AI ASSISTANTS, CHILDREN RELIEVED
Parents and teachers nationwide are frantically shoving artificial intelligence down children’s throats faster than vegetables, convinced that little Timmy will end up living in a cardboard box unless he can prompt ChatGPT by age six.
DIGITAL BABY EINSTEIN SYNDROME SWEEPING THE NATION
Despite AI companies explicitly prohibiting users under 13, parents are bypassing these restrictions with the same determination they use to lie about their child’s age at Disney World. A staggering 94% of parents surveyed believe their toddler will be “unemployable garbage” unless they can operate image generators before learning to tie their shoes.
“My four-year-old was falling behind on his AI literacy,” explains Karen Helicopterson, mother of three. “The other day he tried to ask Alexa a question BY SPEAKING TO HER rather than crafting an optimized prompt. I nearly fainted from embarrassment. What kind of primitive animal have I raised?”
EDUCATIONAL EXPERTS SOUND ALARM, LITERALLY USING ACTUAL ALARMS
Dr. Panik Button, head of the Institute for Technological Anxiety in Parents (ITAP), warns that children are being force-fed technology they don’t understand in ways that definitely won’t backfire spectacularly.
“What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” explains Button while nervously refreshing his LinkedIn profile. “Parents are basically throwing digital grenades at children and shouting ‘CATCH!’ It’s like teaching kids about fire safety by setting their teddy bears ablaze.”
Studies indicate approximately 78% of children under 10 can now craft prompts sophisticated enough to generate convincing book reports while still being unable to identify most vegetables.
THE BLACK MARKET FOR UNDER-13 AI ACCESS BOOMS
Playgrounds nationwide have reportedly transformed into shadowy marketplaces where tech-savvy fourth-graders sell access to AI platforms to desperate kindergarteners.
“I trade my AI login for two Lunchables and a Pokémon card,” confessed one 9-year-old entrepreneur who wished to remain anonymous but described himself as “basically the Pablo Escobar of elementary school AI distribution.”
TEACHERS CAUGHT BETWEEN ROCK, HARD PLACE, AND WHATEVER THE F@#K AI IS
Meanwhile, educators find themselves in the impossible position of teaching technology they barely understand themselves.
“Yesterday I asked my students to write a poem about spring, and little Sophie submitted a 40-page manifesto on deconstructing capitalism that quoted Foucault,” sighs Ms. Teachington, a visibly exhausted second-grade teacher. “When I questioned her, she said ‘the algorithm made me do it’ and then asked if I knew I was living in a simulation.”
Professor Seymour Obvious of the Department of Stating the Bloody Obvious notes, “Perhaps, and I’m just spitballing here, we should consider the radical notion of teaching children critical thinking skills BEFORE introducing them to technology specifically designed to do their thinking for them? Just a thought.”
AT-HOME AI EXPERIMENTS GO HORRIBLY, HILARIOUSLY WRONG
Reports of AI mishaps in homes with young children have skyrocketed, with parents discovering their 7-year-olds have accidentally ordered 400 pounds of mayonnaise or generated disturbingly realistic fake doctor’s notes excusing them from school “until college.”
One mother discovered her twins had spent three hours asking an AI to generate “ways to legally take over the household” and “how to convince parents that bedtime is unconstitutional.”
As this technological arms race accelerates, experts predict that by 2026, approximately 62% of preschoolers will have AI assistants write their college admission essays before they’ve mastered using the toilet independently.
