HACKERS ADMIT THEY’RE “JUST IN IT FOR THE SPREADSHEETS” AS 94% OF CYBERATTACKS DRIVEN BY BORING DATA FETISH
Cybercriminals confess their perverted obsession with your company’s Excel files while legitimate businesses struggle to understand what the f@#k is so interesting about their Q3 projections
NERDS WITH KEYBOARDS TERRORIZE CORPORATE AMERICA
In a shocking turn of events that has stunned absolutely no one with more than two functioning brain cells, a new report reveals that a mind-boggling 94% of global cyberattacks in 2024 were motivated by data theft, proving once and for all that the world’s most dangerous criminals are just basement-dwelling losers with a spreadsheet addiction.
“We’re not even in it for the money anymore,” admitted notorious hacker XxDarkL0rd69xX, speaking from his mother’s basement while wearing what appeared to be a bathrobe stained with three different flavors of Doritos. “There’s just something so d@mn exciting about stealing a multinational corporation’s employee vacation request forms. Gets me hot, you know?”
The increasingly complex world of ransomware now involves stealing data, encrypting it, and threatening to leak it online, a three-step process that cybersecurity experts describe as “about as sophisticated as a toddler saying ‘give me cookie or I scream.'”
COMPANIES IMPLEMENT CUTTING-EDGE SECURITY MEASURES LIKE “ACTUALLY UPDATING WINDOWS”
Corporate IT departments worldwide have responded with what they call “increasingly complex” defenses, which upon closer inspection appear to be nothing more than finally installing those updates they’ve been postponing since 2018.
“Our multi-layered security approach now includes revolutionary tactics such as not opening email attachments titled ‘SEXY_SINGLES_INVOICE.exe’ and occasionally changing passwords from ‘password123’ to ‘password1234’,” explained Chief Security Officer at GiantCorp Industries, Brad “Still Uses Internet Explorer” Johnson.
EXPERTS SUGGEST RADICAL NEW DEFENSE: MAKING DATA BORING AS SH!T
Dr. Obvious Problem, head researcher at the Institute for Pointing Out Things Everyone Already Knows, suggests a counterintuitive approach: “Companies should consider making their data so mind-numbingly dull that even hackers can’t be bothered. We call this the ‘Beige Data Strategy’ – just rename everything to sound like an insurance policy manual from 1974.”
According to completely made-up statistics from our research department, companies that implemented the Beige Data Strategy saw a 420% decrease in cyberattacks and a 69% increase in employees falling asleep at their desks.
TECHNOLOGY SOLUTIONS GET WEIRD AS HELL
Tech companies aren’t sitting idle either. Microsoft has introduced what they’re calling “PowerShell But Actually Secure This Time We Promise,” a tool that security experts describe as “exactly like regular PowerShell but with a slightly different icon that hackers definitely won’t figure out in approximately 14 seconds.”
Other cutting-edge solutions include hiring former hackers as security consultants, a strategy Professor Idon Tcare from the University of Obvious Bad Ideas describes as “exactly like hiring a former bank robber to design your new vault and then acting surprised when all your money disappears.”
DARK WEB LEAKS REVEAL CORPORATE AMERICA’S EMBARRASSING SECRETS
When sensitive data does get leaked to the dark web, the results have been catastrophically embarrassing. Recent leaks have revealed that 78% of Fortune 500 CEOs still use “ILoveMoney$$” as their password and that Amazon’s entire business strategy is written in Comic Sans.
“The most damaging leak we’ve seen contained proof that Elon Musk’s revolutionary ideas are just things he reads on bathroom walls and claims as his own,” said renowned cybersecurity expert Dr. Seymour Obvious.
At press time, ransomware gangs reported growing frustrated with victims who respond to ransom demands with “go ahead and leak it, our shareholders already know we’re incompetent as f@#k” and “please distribute our marketing materials since our social media team was laid off last quarter.”
