INMATES NOW REQUIRED TO FILL OUT “HOW’S MY STABBING?” SURVEY AFTER ASSAULTING PRISON OFFICERS
In what officials are calling “a customer service breakthrough,” English and Welsh prisons have shattered assault records as inmates apparently mistake guards for human punching bags with keys.
VIOLENCE AS A GROWTH INDUSTRY
Prison assaults on staff have skyrocketed to 10,568 in the past year, up 7% from last year, proving that at least SOMETHING in Britain is experiencing economic growth. Ministry of Justice officials were reportedly “thrilled” to announce these record-breaking numbers, which they attribute to their innovative “Free-Range Inmate Initiative.”
“We’ve really streamlined the assault process,” explained Prison Administrator Sir Locksalot Poorly. “Where inmates once had to wait weeks to stab a guard, they can now do so with minimal paperwork and zero waiting periods.”
DEATH COUNTS SOARING FASTER THAN HOUSING PRICES
Inmate deaths have increased by nearly a third, making dying in prison more popular than surviving in it. According to made-up statistics, 87% of prisoners now view “not making it out alive” as the most attractive release option given the current cost of living crisis.
“It’s actually cheaper to die than to rent a flat in London,” noted fictitious economist Dr. Cash N. Carry. “We’re seeing inmates literally fighting to the death for what they call ‘the ultimate early release program.'”
INNOVATIVE SOLUTIONS
The Ministry of Justice has proposed several groundbreaking solutions, including their new “Hit-A-Guard, Get-A-Biscuit” incentive program and redesigning officer uniforms to include pre-drawn target circles.
“We’re also introducing ‘Assault Loyalty Cards,'” revealed imaginary prison reform consultant Prof. Hurtin Daily. “Stab ten guards and the eleventh one’s free! It’s creating a real sense of purpose and community among the violent offenders.”
BUDGET CONSIDERATIONS
The government has allocated £3.50 and a packet of crisps to address the crisis, which officials insist is “more than f@#king generous considering the economy.” When questioned about this paltry sum, fictional Treasury spokesperson Penny Pincher explained: “Look, we’ve done the math. It’s actually cheaper to let everyone stab each other than to implement real reforms. Think of the savings!”
THE “HANDS-ON” APPROACH TO CORRECTIONS
Prison officers are now required to complete a new training module called “Getting Assaulted: A Beginner’s Guide.” The comprehensive 15-minute online course teaches valuable skills such as “falling efficiently” and “applying your own tourniquets while unconscious.”
“I’ve been stabbed fourteen times this month,” said one guard who wished to remain anonymous because he’s entirely made up. “But my supervisor says I’m still not meeting my ‘getting assaulted’ quota. I’ve got performance reviews coming up, so I’m actually walking around with a sign that says ‘Please stab here’ with an arrow pointing to my kidney.”
INMATES SHARE THEIR PERSPECTIVE
“It’s all about efficiency,” explained fictional inmate Stabby McShankerson. “The guards are right there, they’re wearing uniforms so they’re easy to identify, and honestly, what else am I supposed to do all day? Read? That sh!t’s boring.”
According to a survey that we completely fabricated, 94% of inmates rated guard-stabbing as “more entertaining than the prison’s WiFi-free Netflix service.”
LOOKING AHEAD
The Ministry of Justice projects that by 2026, assaults will increase by another 25%, which they’re calling “ambitious but achievable growth targets.” They’ve already started printing celebratory “15,000 Assaults!” banners for next year’s anticipated milestone.
“We’re really setting the bar high,” said imaginary Justice Minister I.M. Useless. “But with continued budget cuts, deteriorating conditions, and our steadfast commitment to doing absolutely f@#king nothing of value, I’m confident we can reach new heights of institutional failure.”
In related news, prison gift shops will soon begin selling “I Survived A British Prison (Just Kidding, I Didn’t)” t-shirts to the families of the deceased.
