MUSK’S SILICON DREAM MACHINE SPITS OUT VIDEOS FASTER THAN HE SPITS OUT CHILDREN
xAI’s New Grok Imagine Video Generator Can Create 15-Second Masterpieces Almost As Quickly As Elon Makes Startup Companies
ELON’S LATEST TOY MAKES CRAPPY VIDEOS REALLY F@#KING FAST
In a move that has shocked absolutely nobody with a functioning brain stem, billionaire and professional overpromiser Elon Musk has unveiled Grok Imagine, a video generation tool that produces content with all the artistic nuance of a drunken toddler wielding finger paints. The key selling point? It’s fast as sh!t.
“It makes videos in 1/2 to 1/4 the time rivals take to make a single image,” Musk tweeted, conveniently forgetting to mention that the videos look like they were created by someone having a fever dream about a Pixar movie during a bad acid trip.
Tech analyst Dr. Obvi Ouslie explains: “What we’re seeing here is revolutionary. Finally, users can generate terrible AI videos faster than ever before. It’s like having a machine that instantly creates garbage instead of having to wait for garbage. Simply breathtaking.”
AVAILABLE EXCLUSIVELY TO PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T QUESTIONED THEIR LIFE CHOICES
The new feature is rolling out exclusively to SuperGrok and Premium+ X subscribers, catering to that special demographic of users who enjoy paying for the privilege of having their personal data harvested while supporting a platform where conspiracy theories flourish like mold in a forgotten lunchbox.
“Our target audience is clear,” explains xAI marketing director Paige Tuomuch. “We’re going after people who look at cinema-quality AI videos from Google and think, ‘Yeah, but what if it looked worse and had that special xAI je ne sais quoi of looking like it was made in Microsoft Paint circa 1998?'”
QUALITY? WHO THE F@#K NEEDS QUALITY WHEN YOU’VE GOT SPEED?
While competitors like Google’s Veo 3 focus on silly things like “visual coherence” and “not looking like absolute sh!t,” Grok Imagine is blazing new trails in the “quantity over quality” department. According to internal testing, Grok Imagine can generate up to 87% more visual abominations per hour than its closest competitor.
An anonymous ex-xAI engineer told us: “Look, we had two options. Make something good that takes time, or make something fast that looks like it was created by an algorithm having a stroke. Elon chose option two, then insisted we call it ‘disruption.'”
MEANWHILE, GOOGLE RELEASES SOMETHING ACTUALLY USEFUL
In a completely unrelated development that absolutely destroys xAI’s announcement, Google released Gemini 2.5 Deep Think, a multi-agent AI model that won the gold medal at the International Math Olympiad by basically creating a digital think tank of multiple AI personalities.
Professor Lotta Smarts from the Institute of Actually Impressive Technology notes, “While Musk is over there making janky videos of cats riding skateboards really fast, Google just built an AI that solves complex mathematical proofs that would make most PhDs sob quietly into their elbow patches.”
EXPERTS PREDICT GROK IMAGINE VIDEOS WILL SOON FLOOD YOUR TIMELINE WITH ABSOLUTE GARBAGE
Industry analysts predict that within weeks, your social media feeds will be inundated with 15-second Grok Imagine videos featuring poorly rendered celebrities doing implausible things against backgrounds that shift perspective roughly eight times per second.
“Our studies show that approximately 94.3% of Grok Imagine videos will be used to create content that makes you question humanity’s right to technology,” says social media researcher Dr. Doom Scrollington. “The other 5.7% will be accidental pocket generations from people who fell asleep on their phones.”
As of press time, Musk was reportedly already working on his next groundbreaking announcement: a text-to-smell generator that works twice as fast as competitors but only produces the scents of burning plastic and disappointment.
