CLIMATE SCIENTISTS THRILLED AS GREAT BARRIER REEF EVOLVES INTO WORLD’S FIRST UNDERWATER CREMATORIUM
In a stunning display of environmental adaptation, the Great Barrier Reef has reportedly transformed itself from “dying ecosystem” to “innovative marine funeral service,” according to experts who definitely aren’t being paid by fossil fuel companies.
NATURE’S BEAUTIFUL PIVOT TO PROFITABILITY
What climate alarmists are calling “the most widespread and severe coral bleaching event on record,” intelligent business observers recognize as the reef’s entrepreneurial pivot into the lucrative death care industry. The 2,300km structure has brilliantly reimagined itself as nature’s largest underwater crematorium, offering fish and other marine life the opportunity to be cooked alive while still enjoying panoramic ocean views.
“It’s not ‘catastrophic bleaching,’ it’s ‘bone-white aesthetic enhancement,'” explains Dr. Cole Denial, senior fellow at the Institute for Creative Scientific Interpretation. “Honestly, the reef was looking a bit too colorful and hippie-ish before. This sleek, minimalist white look is very on-trend.”
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE UNLESS WE WANT THEM TO
A staggering 98.7% of scientists who haven’t been explicitly told to shut the f@#k up agree that the reef is in critical danger. However, The Australian newspaper has bravely chosen to focus on the 0.02% of the reef that isn’t actively dying, running with the headline “Coral Growth Flourishing in Some Areas, Why Won’t Leftists Report This?”
“People need to understand that coral reefs naturally enjoy getting hot enough to boil lobsters alive,” said Professor Penny Dreadful, whose academic credentials include a PhD in Advanced Reality Denial from Murdoch University. “What we’re seeing is simply the reef’s way of saying ‘this is fine’ while surrounded by flames.”
EXPERTS PREDICT EXCITING NEW TOURISM OPPORTUNITIES
Tourism operators are already capitalizing on the reef’s exciting transformation, with new packages including “Bleach Beach Party” and “Last Chance to See It Before It’s F@#king Gone Forever” tours selling out months in advance.
“We’ve rebranded completely,” enthuses tourism operator Blake Charred, owner of Dying Reef Adventures. “Our most popular package is the ‘Take a Selfie With Something Your Children Will Only See in History Books’ tour. It’s only $399 per person!”
THE AUSTRALIAN NEWSPAPER DECLARES VICTORY OVER REALITY
The Australian newspaper, known for its steadfast commitment to reporting alternative facts, has heroically defended the reef against attacks from scientists, environmentalists, and anyone who’s actually seen it recently.
“What these so-called ‘experts’ fail to understand is that the reef is simply experiencing a sun-kissed glow-up,” wrote columnist Terra Firma in her weekly “Why Science is Just an Opinion” column. “Besides, 43% of the reef is still technically alive, which is a higher survival rate than News Corp’s ethical standards.”
GOVERNMENT REASSURES PUBLIC WITH BOLD NEW PLAN
The Australian government has responded to the crisis with a bold three-point plan: 1) Redefine “alive” to include “completely dead but still physically present,” 2) Commission more studies to determine if water is indeed wet, and 3) Allocate $250 million to a reef protection fund that will primarily focus on protecting coal executives from having to look at photos of the reef.
“We’re taking decisive action by forming a committee to discuss the possibility of creating a taskforce to evaluate potential solutions sometime before the sun expands and engulfs the Earth,” said Minister for Environmental Procrastination, Sandy Shores.
In related news, local fish have reportedly begun evolving the ability to breathe air and walk on land, with many citing “unlivable ocean conditions” and “desire not to be boiled alive” as their primary motivations for abandoning their ancestral home.
When reached for comment, the Great Barrier Reef itself simply sighed and said, “I’ve had a good run. Tell the Maldives I’ll see them soon.”
