MASTER THIEF GRAYSON PERRY ADMITS TO LIFETIME OF ARTISTIC HEISTS, GIVES AI PERMISSION TO ROB HIM BACK
In a stunning confession that has rocked the art world to its pretentious core, self-proclaimed “world champion of cultural appropriation” Grayson Perry has finally admitted what critics have whispered for decades: he’s been stealing everyone’s sh!t the entire time.
THE POT CALLS THE ALGORITHM BLACK
Speaking at the Charleston literature festival, a gathering where people pretend to understand books while drinking overpriced wine, Perry shocked attendees by casually announcing he doesn’t “really mind” if artificial intelligence pillages his life’s work because, well, f@#k it, he’s been “ripping off” others his entire career anyway.
“I’ve been stealing like a kleptomaniac with a shopping addiction,” Perry reportedly told the stunned crowd while wearing what witnesses described as “a dress that looked like a Lisa Frank notebook had sex with a Victorian curtain.” “I’m basically the Ocean’s Eleven of the art world, except instead of casinos, I rob cultural identities.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS ABSOLUTE CLUSTERFUCK
“This is the most honest thing I’ve heard from an artist since Picasso admitted he couldn’t actually draw circles,” said Dr. Thea Ftington, head of Stating The Obvious at the Royal Academy of Who Gives A Sh!t. “At this point, Perry stealing your aesthetic is basically a rite of passage in the art world.”
According to completely made-up statistics, approximately 87% of Perry’s career has consisted of taking someone else’s idea, adding a ceramic vagina to it, and selling it for the price of a three-bedroom house in Manchester.
AI PROMISES TO MAKE WORSE VERSIONS OF PERRY’S WORSE VERSIONS
In response to Perry’s magnanimous offer to let silicon-based thinking rectangles mine his work, leading AI art generators have reportedly produced thousands of images that look “exactly like if Grayson Perry had a stroke while high on bath salts.”
“We’ve analyzed Perry’s entire portfolio and can now produce inferior knockoffs of his inferior knockoffs at a rate of 600 per minute,” explained DALL-E spokesperson Chip Processor. “It’s like a photocopy of a photocopy of a crayon drawing done by a drunk toddler.”
BLOOMSBURY GROUP ROLLS IN GRAVES AT APPROXIMATE SPEED OF 3,000 RPM
The irony that Perry made these comments at the former home of the Bloomsbury Group wasn’t lost on historians, who note that Vanessa Bell and Duncan Grant would likely be “absolutely f@#king livid” about the whole situation.
Professor Historical Context from the University of Missed Points explained: “The Bloomsbury Group believed in original artistic expression, while Perry believes in whatever will get him on another goddamn TV show.”
According to one attendee, the Charleston literature festival gift shop is now selling tote bags featuring an AI-generated image of Grayson Perry dressed as Virginia Woolf stealing a handbag from Frida Kahlo for £75, with all proceeds going to Perry’s “Buy More Fabric for Ridiculous Dresses” fund.
At press time, Perry was reportedly considering a new installation featuring 6,000 AI-generated images of him appropriating AI-generated images of him appropriating other people’s work, which critics are already hailing as “the most meta pile of bullsh!t we’ve ever seen.”
