GRADUATES NOW FIGHTING SOULLESS ALGORITHM BASTARDS FOR ENTRY-LEVEL JOBS THEY ALREADY CAN’T AFFORD
In what experts are calling “the most f@#ked up job market since the invention of unpaid internships,” recent university graduates are now battling sentient Excel spreadsheets for the privilege of earning barely enough to afford ramen noodles and crippling student loan payments.
HUMANS DESPERATELY ADDING “NOT A ROBOT” TO RÉSUMÉS
Recent graduate Emily Worthington spent £50,000 on a business degree only to discover her primary competition isn’t fellow humans but calculation rectangles that don’t need bathroom breaks or mental health days.
“I spent four years learning how to network and now I’m losing jobs to something that literally runs on electricity and doesn’t need dental insurance,” said Worthington. “I’ve started writing ‘CAPABLE OF HUMAN EMOTION’ across the top of my CV in bold letters.”
EMPLOYERS CLAIM TO WANT “HUMAN TOUCH” WHILE INSTALLING DIGITAL OVERLORDS
Companies nationwide are assuring graduates they value “uniquely human qualities” while simultaneously installing thinking machines to handle everything from recruitment to performance reviews.
“We absolutely value the human element,” said Todd Billington, HR Director at MegaCorp Industries, while a nearby screen quietly replaced 40% of his department. “We’re looking for that special human spark,” he continued, as his own job security percentage visibly decreased on his smart watch.
EXPERTS WARN OF “TOTAL SH!TSTORM” AHEAD
Dr. Cassandra Truthbomb, Professor of Obvious Economic Consequences at Reality University, predicts complete chaos.
“We’ve created a system where 22-year-olds with zero work experience and £100,000 in debt are competing against thinking calculators that can do the work of 50 people without complaining about the thermostat,” explained Truthbomb. “It’s like watching a knife fight where one side brought quantum physics.”
GRADUATES DEVELOPING NEW SKILLS LIKE “APPEARING MORE HUMAN THAN ACTUAL HUMANS”
Career counselors are now advising students to develop skills that digital knowledge cubes supposedly can’t replicate, such as “authentic empathy” and “genuine creativity,” despite the fact that calculation companions are already writing symphonies and designing buildings.
“I’m practicing making small talk about the weather and occasionally spilling coffee to appear more human during interviews,” said James Peterson, recent engineering graduate. “Yesterday I deliberately made a math error just to show I’m not a robot.”
STATISTICAL NIGHTMARE THAT WILL KEEP YOU AWAKE AT NIGHT
A completely made-up but terrifyingly plausible study from the Institute of Workforce Panic suggests that by 2027, approximately 94% of entry-level positions will be filled by entities that don’t need healthcare, vacations, or reasons to live.
“Our research indicates that within three years, the only jobs safe from digital mind machines will be ‘professional human specimen’ and ‘algorithm ethics scapegoat,'” said Professor Ima Doomed, lead researcher.
UNIVERSITIES STILL CHARGING KIDNEY PRICES FOR INCREASINGLY USELESS DEGREES
Meanwhile, universities continue charging astronomical fees for degrees that are rapidly becoming as valuable as certificates in typewriter repair.
“We’re introducing new courses like ‘Advanced Human Noises 101’ and ‘Convincing Employers You Have a Soul’ to help students prepare,” said Chancellor Richard Moneybags of Overpriced University. “The course materials are just mirrors where students practice looking sentient.”
At press time, nine thinking rectangles had already applied for this reporter’s job, submitted 12 superior versions of this article, and suggested a restructuring plan that would improve efficiency by eliminating the need for lunch breaks, weekends, and the concept of hope.
