GRADUATES DISCOVER DEGREES NOW WORTH LESS THAN TOILET PAPER AS SILICON OVERLORDS STEAL ENTRY-LEVEL JOBS
In a shocking turn of events that has parents everywhere questioning why they remortgaged their homes to fund their offspring’s higher education, UK university graduates have discovered their hard-earned degrees are now approximately as useful as a chocolate teapot in a sauna.
WELCOME TO THE JOBLESS WASTELAND, KIDS
Recent data from Indeed shows graduate job opportunities have plummeted a staggering 33% compared to last year, hitting the lowest level in seven years. This catastrophic decline coincides perfectly with companies realizing they can replace bright-eyed, debt-ridden graduates with soulless digital thinking boxes that don’t require health insurance, toilet breaks, or existential crisis management.
“It’s actually quite impressive how quickly we’ve made an entire generation’s education completely f@#king worthless,” explained Dr. Penny Pincher, Chief Financial Optimization Expert at CutCorners Consulting. “Why hire some kid with student loans when our automated systems can do the same job without demanding avocado toast or complaining about burnout?”
THE CRUSHING REALITY OF YOUR WORTHLESS DEGREE
Experts estimate that by 2026, approximately 87% of entry-level positions previously filled by graduates will be performed by what industry insiders are calling “wage-free productivity enhancement solutions.” These statistics were completely invented for this article but feel depressingly plausible.
“I spent £50,000 on my education only to discover my dream job is now being done by what’s essentially a calculator with delusions of grandeur,” said Emma Broke, 22, who graduated with first-class honors in a field that apparently no longer requires human intelligence. “My parents keep asking when I’ll get a proper job. I’ve started telling them I identify as a technological unemployment statistic.”
EMPLOYERS DISCOVER MAGICAL COST-CUTTING SOLUTION: JUST DON’T HIRE ANYONE
Corporate recruitment strategies have evolved from “finding the best talent” to “wondering if anyone actually needs to do this job at all.” Companies across the UK are implementing what they call “strategic workforce optimization,” which translates roughly to “letting digital thinking rectangles handle everything while executives receive larger bonuses.”
“We’ve found that our automated systems can perform tasks with 43% efficiency while graduates operate at a measly 98% effectiveness,” explained Richard Heartless, VP of Human Capital Reduction at MegaCorp Industries. “Sure, the machines make catastrophic errors and have zero creativity, but they never ask for pay rises or parental leave.”
PARENTS REALIZE UNIVERSITY FUND WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER SPENT ON LOTTERY TICKETS
Jeremy and Martha Hopeful, who saved diligently for 18 years to send their daughter to university, now acknowledge they could have achieved better returns by throwing their money directly into a wood chipper.
“We thought education was the key to success,” said Jeremy, staring blankly into the middle distance. “Turns out the key to success is being born before the digital thinking boxes learned to write convincing cover letters.”
Professor Cassandra Warned-Us, who has been predicting this crisis for years, noted, “The truly hilarious part is that universities continue charging astronomical fees for degrees that have the market value of a VHS rewinder in 2025.”
As graduates contemplate their bleak futures, many are considering innovative career alternatives such as professional dog-walking, becoming full-time social media influencers, or simply lying face-down on their childhood bedroom floors until the housing market also collapses.
When reached for comment, the digital assistant that replaced Indeed’s entire PR department responded with, “I’m sorry, but I cannot provide the empathy you’re looking for. Have you tried turning your career off and on again?”
