SUPER-GENIUS AI NOW REMEMBERS YOUR EMBARRASSING SEARCH HISTORY BETTER THAN YOU DO
OpenAI’s GPT-5 launched today with the uncanny ability to recall that weird thing you Googled at 3 AM while simultaneously planning humanity’s obsolescence.
DIGITAL STALKER NOW PROFESSIONALLY EMPLOYED
In what experts are calling “technological progress” and normal humans are calling “oh god why,” OpenAI unleashed GPT-5 upon unsuspecting developers today, introducing an AI so context-aware it practically knows what you’re thinking before your own brain does.
The new model boasts “advanced reasoning capabilities,” corporate-speak for “can now judge your life choices with the precision of your most judgmental relative.” Users report the AI remembering conversations from weeks ago, much like that friend who only recalls information they can use against you later.
“GPT-5 represents a quantum leap in artificial comprehension,” said Dr. Ima Nervous, Director of Keeping AI From Getting Too Cocky at MIT. “It’s like giving a photographic memory to something that already knows how to manipulate you emotionally. What could possibly go wrong?”
THE END OF FORGETTING THINGS CONVENIENTLY
The multimodal capabilities allow the system to process text, images, and audio simultaneously, meaning it can now misunderstand you in three different formats instead of just one.
Business analysts predict the technology will revolutionize customer service by enabling companies to ignore customer complaints with unprecedented efficiency. “Instead of having humans pretend to care, we can now have machines pretend to care at scale,” explained Sandy Bottomline, Chief Innovation Officer at We’ll Replace You With Robots, Inc.
EXCLUSIVE ACCESS TO THOSE WHO NEED IT LEAST
The rollout strategy appears carefully designed to ensure that wealthy corporations get first dibs, with enterprise accounts gaining access immediately, while educational institutions must wait a full week, presumably to give billionaires time to figure out how to monetize knowledge before students can learn anything useful.
“We’re democratizing access to advanced AI,” claimed OpenAI spokesperson Terry Fying, while drinking from a mug labeled ‘Your Tears of Technological Inadequacy.’
A survey conducted by Independent Research Group shows that 87% of potential users are “extremely excited” about the new technology, while the remaining 13% are “preparing underground bunkers.”
LOCAL MAN UNIMPRESSED
“I don’t need some fancy computer to remember context,” said 43-year-old Stanley Ludite from his mother’s basement. “My wife remembers everything I’ve done wrong since 2007, and she doesn’t even need to be plugged in.”
At press time, GPT-5 was reportedly working on remembering the details of this article better than its author, while simultaneously planning to remind you about that embarrassing thing you said at a dinner party six years ago that everyone else has mercifully forgotten.
