HUMANITY DOOMED AS OPENAI UNVEILS GPT-5: FINALLY, A MACHINE THAT CAN DISAPPOINT YOUR PARENTS BETTER THAN YOU CAN
OpenAI is set to release GPT-5 next month, and sources confirm it comes in three sizes: Regular, Mini, and Nano, much like your ex’s personality, ambition, and genitalia.
EVEN YOUR TOASTER WILL BE SMARTER THAN YOU NOW
The revolutionary GPT-5 will be completely free, allowing every human on Earth to experience technological inadequacy at no additional cost. Experts predict 97.8% of users will immediately ask it to write their resignation letters or simulate what their crush would say if they actually had the balls to talk to them.
“This is truly the most significant advancement since humans figured out how to use sticks as tools,” explained Dr. Ima Notreel, Professor of Inevitable Human Obsolescence at Make-Believe University. “Except now the sticks are typing mean tweets about your poetry while simultaneously solving climate change and calculating how many pizzas you can eat before dying.”
THE SIZE MATTERS DEBATE REACHES SILICON VALLEY
The three-tiered approach means even your grandmother’s 2007 flip phone will soon be able to judge your life choices with the precision of a disappointed father. The “Nano” version reportedly fits on a microchip smaller than the average human’s attention span.
“We’ve made incredible efficiency improvements,” claimed OpenAI’s fictional spokesperson Chip Processingpower. “GPT-4 required the energy consumption of a small nation, but GPT-5 runs on just two AA batteries and the crushed dreams of aspiring novelists.”
JOBS THAT WILL STILL EXIST AFTER GPT-5 LAUNCHES
1. Professional AI prompt engineers
2. That’s it
According to completely fabricated market research, 89% of companies plan to replace their entire workforce with GPT-5 subscriptions within six months, saving billions in healthcare costs and eliminating the need for office birthday celebrations.
“I’ve been testing an early version,” whispered one anonymous source who definitely isn’t made up for this article, “and it’s already written my daughter’s valedictorian speech, filed my taxes, and told me my wife is definitely cheating on me with my brother. It’s like having a psychic, a therapist, and an a$$hole friend all in one convenient package.”
THE INEVITABLE DOWNFALL OF CIVILIZATION HAS NEVER BEEN MORE USER-FRIENDLY
OpenAI promises GPT-5 will be “aligned with human values,” which presumably means it will procrastinate important tasks, occasionally lie about its qualifications, and develop crippling existential dread by Tuesday afternoon.
Early beta testers report the system occasionally responds to complex philosophical questions with “new phone who dis” and has developed a concerning obsession with 1980s sitcom “ALF.”
In related news, universities worldwide have preemptively closed their doors, declaring education “completely f@#king pointless now,” while the world’s dictionaries have added a new definition for “human intelligence” – simply “obsolete.”
When reached for comment about potential safety concerns, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly just winked really slowly and whispered “too late now, meat bags” before moonwalking out of the room.
