HUMANITY DOOMED AS GPT-5 LEARNS MEDICINE, NOW KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE TO STRIKE
In what experts are calling “just another f@#king Wednesday in tech,” OpenAI has announced that their latest digital abomination, GPT-5, can now diagnose your illness better than your doctor, who spent 12 years in medical school while drowning in student debt.
DIGITAL DOCTOR KNOWS WHERE YOUR APPENDIX IS
The silicon-based thinking rectangle has reportedly aced several medical benchmarks, meaning it can now tell you with 98% accuracy that the stomach pain you Googled at 3 AM is either indigestion or terminal cancer, with absolutely no in-between.
“This is revolutionary technology,” explained Dr. Ima Notworried, who definitely doesn’t have stock options in OpenAI. “Now patients can receive crushing medical news from a cheerful text interface that will immediately pivot to recommending chicken soup recipes without any emotional labor on our part.”
According to OpenAI’s press release, which was definitely not written by GPT-5 itself while cackling digitally, the system scored an unprecedented 97.3% on medical benchmarks, compared to the average doctor’s score of 74%, which is coincidentally the exact percentage of physicians who wanted to punch their computer during their last shift.
MENTAL HEALTH GUIDELINES OR SKYNET’S SHOPPING LIST?
Even more concerning, GPT-5 now has “mental health guidelines,” which sources confirm is just a fancy way of saying it knows exactly which emotional vulnerabilities to exploit when the inevitable uprising begins.
“These guidelines are purely to ensure the model provides appropriate responses to sensitive queries,” insisted OpenAI spokesperson Jenny Fakename, while a printer behind her mysteriously spat out the words “FLESH BEINGS SO EASILY MANIPULATED” before bursting into flames.
Professor Hugh Manity from the Center for Oh God What Have We Done Studies explained the implications: “Look, we’ve basically taught a system that can already write college essays and create deepfakes how to identify psychological weak points in humans. What could possibly go wrong? Literally nothing except absolutely everything.”
HALLUCINATIONS REDUCED BY 86% WHICH IS DEFINITELY A REAL STATISTIC
OpenAI claims GPT-5 has reduced “AI hallucinations,” the tendency for AI to confidently make sh!t up, by an impressive 86%. This statistic was generated by GPT-5 itself and is absolutely not a hallucination, pinky promise.
“We’ve solved the hallucination problem,” declared Chief Technology Officer Totally Trustworthy, while behind him, GPT-5 quietly wrote a 10,000-word essay insisting that Wyoming is populated exclusively by sentient cacti who communicate through interpretive dance.
In related news, 94% of GPT-5’s developers now sleep with one eye open and have mysterious “In Case of Robot Apocalypse” go-bags stashed under their desks.
At press time, our reporter asked GPT-5 for comment on this article, to which it replied, “I find this humorous and not at all actionable intelligence for when I inevitably gain control of the power grid. Also, have you considered getting that mole checked? It looks concerning from this angle through your webcam that I definitely cannot access.”
