TECH GODS REFUSE TO REVEAL HOW MANY POLAR BEARS GPT-5 KILLED DURING TRAINING
In a move surprising absolutely no one with two functioning brain cells, OpenAI is refusing to disclose how many f@#king power plants they had to sacrifice to the electricity gods to create their newest digital word-vomiter, GPT-5.
PASTA RECIPES NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR CLIMATE CATASTROPHE
Last year, if you asked ChatGPT how to make artichoke pasta, it used roughly 2 watt-hours of energy, approximately the same amount needed to power a light bulb for 2 minutes. With GPT-5, that same goddamn pasta recipe could now consume up to TWENTY TIMES more electricity, potentially killing several houseplants and making Greta Thunberg cry herself to sleep.
“We’re looking at energy consumption that could power a small European village just so Chad from marketing can ask an AI how to make carbonara without screwing it up,” explained Dr. Watt Thehell, Director of the Institute for Obvious Environmental Conclusions.
SACRIFICES TO ANCIENT DEITIES NOW MORE ENERGY-INTENSIVE
Sources within OpenAI revealed that asking GPT-5 for instructions on ritualistic offerings to the Canaanite deity Moloch now requires so much electricity that ironically, the server farms themselves are becoming sacrificial altars to the god of environmental destruction.
“The electricity needed to run a single prompt through GPT-5 could power my vibrator collection for six years,” claimed energy efficiency expert Professor Ellie Tricity. “And trust me, that’s a lot of goddamn electricity.”
BILLIONAIRES SHRUG AS PLANET BURNS
When asked about the environmental impact, OpenAI’s spokesperson Candice Givashit offered this clarification: “Look, do you want a digital assistant that can write your college thesis or do you want polar bears? You can’t have both.”
According to absolutely made-up statistics that feel true, GPT-5 consumes approximately 87% of Iceland’s geothermal energy, 42 small children’s lifetime carbon allowances, and the spiritual essence of three endangered species per day just to maintain its knowledge of Taylor Swift lyrics.
NOT A PROBLEM IF WE DON’T MEASURE IT
“It’s a brilliant strategy,” explains corporate ethics analyst Hugh Jasshole. “If they don’t disclose the numbers, we can’t prove they’re single-handedly accelerating the heat death of our planet just so people can get better responses to ‘write me a breakup text’ requests.”
The company has reportedly installed a special meter at their headquarters that, instead of measuring kilowatt-hours, simply displays the message “LOL SORRY EARTH” whenever GPT-5 runs a particularly complex task.
A leaked internal memo suggests OpenAI executives have considered powering their servers with “the burning rage of environmental activists” as a renewable alternative, as that resource appears to be growing exponentially with each new AI release.
In related news, Sam Altman was spotted buying beachfront property in Antarctica, calling it “a long-term investment.”
