DESPERATE GOVERNMENT OFFERS AI “IMPACT ASSESSMENT” WHILE SECRETLY SELLING ARTISTS’ SOULS TO SILICON VALLEY
In a move that can only be described as “throwing a f@#king Band-Aid on a decapitation,” ministers have hastily cobbled together pathetic concessions on copyright changes to pacify increasingly hostile artists who somehow object to having their life’s work stolen by math equations.
PROMISES, PROMISES, AND OTHER BULLSH!T
The government, in its infinite wisdom, has promised an “economic impact assessment” of its proposed copyright changes, which experts predict will deliver the groundbreaking conclusion that “artists are f@#ked” approximately 18 months after it’s too late to matter.
“We take artists’ concerns very seriously,” said Minister for Digital Economy Lord Sellout McTechbro, while visibly struggling to remove Silicon Valley CEO hands from his posterior. “That’s why we’re commissioning reports that will gather dust on shelves while AI companies hoover up creative content like cocaine at a 90s record label party.”
TRANSPARENCY: NOW A HILARIOUS CONCEPT
The government has also pledged reports on “transparency,” a word that caused spontaneous laughter among 97% of UK citizens when used in the same sentence as “government policy.”
“Transparency is our number one priority,” claimed Sarah Emptypromise, Undersecretary for Stating Obvious Lies. “That’s why we’re voting on this bill before completing any of these assessments. Makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it.”
ARTISTS RESPOND WITH PREDICTABLE INGRATITUDE
Creators across the UK have responded with what government officials describe as “annoyingly valid concerns” about having their intellectual property rights liquidated faster than Boris Johnson’s ethics.
“I spent 40 years developing my artistic style just so a computer can replicate it in 4 seconds and put me out of work,” said renowned artist Nobody Caresanymore. “But thank God they’re doing an impact assessment AFTER passing the legislation. That’s like diagnosing cancer after the funeral.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON ECONOMIC BENEFITS
“This bill will create tremendous economic benefits,” explained Dr. Completely Made-Up, Professor of Fictional Economics at the University of Convenient Statistics. “Our research shows that for every artist who can no longer pay rent, at least 0.002 tech billionaires will be able to purchase a slightly larger superyacht.”
According to the government’s own completely unbiased projections, the UK economy will benefit to the tune of “lots and lots of money” that will “definitely trickle down to everyone eventually probably maybe.”
THE BRIGHT SIDE OF CREATIVE ANNIHILATION
Minister for Keeping a Straight Face While Lying, Jonathan Bullshtter, pointed out the silver lining: “Think about it. Once AI has stripped all monetary value from your creative work, you’ll be free to create purely for the love of art! It’s basically socialism, but for some reason Silicon Valley loves it!”
In a last-minute addition to the bill, the government has proposed a special fund to provide artists with “exposure,” which analysts confirm is still not accepted as legal tender by landlords, supermarkets, or utility companies.
As parliament moves toward next week’s vote, artists are reportedly considering creative forms of protest, while ministers are practicing looking concerned while counting tech industry donations under the table. According to our polls, 89% of UK citizens now believe the government’s definition of “intellectual property” is “whatever tech companies haven’t stolen yet.”
