GOVERNMENT POLITELY ASKS AI COMPANIES “PRETTY PLEASE DON’T TELL US WHAT UNHOLY SH!T YOU’RE DOING”
In a move described by experts as “bending over and asking for another,” the UK government has courageously decided not to force tech companies to disclose what materials they use to train their artificially intelligent thought monsters.
BRAVE POLITICIANS STAND UP TO NO ONE
Ministers boldly rejected the House of Lords’ request to make tech companies reveal their training methods, demonstrating the government’s unwavering commitment to whatever Silicon Valley executives whispered in their ears at that fancy dinner last month.
“We believe in a regulatory approach we call ‘See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Regulate No Evil,'” explained Digital Minister Lord Completely-In-Their-Pocket. “It would be terribly inconvenient for these poor multi-trillion dollar companies to tell us how they’re stealing everyone’s intellectual property.”
ARTISTS OFFERED “THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS” INSTEAD OF ACTUAL PROTECTION
When asked about protecting creative industries from having their work harvested without consent, the government unveiled its comprehensive three-part plan: 1) Do nothing, 2) Continue doing nothing, and 3) Gaslight artists about doing something.
Dr. Obvious Corruption, head of the Institute for Studying Spineless Governance, told us: “According to our research, approximately 98.7% of government officials hope to get cushy tech consulting jobs after leaving office, which may or may not influence their decision to let tech giants do whatever the f@ck they want.”
TECH BROS CELEBRATE BY DRINKING CHAMPAGNE FROM ARTIST’S SKULLS
Industry insiders report that Big Tech executives celebrated the announcement by throwing lavish parties where they projected stolen artwork onto the walls while an algorithm composed music plagiarized from thousands of musicians who will never see a penny.
“We’re thrilled the government understands our position that transparency would harm innovation,” said Chad McVentureFund, CEO of DeepMindF#cker AI. “By ‘harm innovation,’ I mean it would make us actually pay for things, which would be super lame for our profit margins.”
HOUSE OF LORDS ACCUSED OF “THINKING TOO MUCH”
Government sources criticized the House of Lords for “overthinking” the issue of copyright protection, suggesting that peers were “being dramatic” by worrying about the complete collapse of creative industries.
“What these Lords fail to understand is that artists should be GRATEFUL their life’s work is being scraped without permission,” said Parliamentary Under-Secretary for Digital Surrender. “Think of all the exposure they’re getting! You can’t eat exposure, but have they tried?”
A recent government survey found that 100% of tech CEOs approve of the current approach, while a separate survey of actual humans found that 100% of respondents replied “Are you f#cking kidding me?”
SOLUTION PROPOSED: ARTISTS SHOULD JUST GET BETTER JOBS
The government has suggested that worried artists simply pivot to more sustainable careers like “AI prompt engineer” or “content that will be stolen to train the next generation of AI.”
As Parliament closed the debate, Lord Backdoor-Deal concluded: “The invisible hand of the market will sort this all out. And by ‘invisible hand,’ I mean the very visible hands of tech lobbyists stuffing cash into our pockets.”
At press time, the government was reportedly exploring legislation to make it illegal for artists to complain about having their work stolen, citing concerns about “stifling innovation and hurting the feelings of billionaires.”
