“Government Introduces Revolutionary Plan to Install Heat Pumps in New Homes by 2084, Pending Courage Transplant for MPs”
Critics of the UK government’s climate agenda have long lamented its sluggish progress, but officials reassured citizens today that they’re *definitely thinking really hard* about doing something, maybe, at some point. Inspired by a groundbreaking suggestion to install heat pumps and solar panels in new homes at the time of construction, the government announced an exploratory committee to investigate the radical possibility of just getting it done already. Said committee is expected to deliver a lukewarm, jargon-laden report shortly after the heat death of the universe.
“Look, this is groundbreaking stuff,” said Sir Clive Procrastington, Minister for Inaction and Delays, puffing on a coal-powered vape pen. “If you rush these things, you might disrupt fragile ecosystems—like the profits of energy giants or my personal investments.” When asked why doing something obvious to combat climate change required years of dithering, he fluttered furiously through a rolodex of buzzwords before stammering out, “We, uh… need more focus groups!”
Environmentalists, meanwhile, have suggested that instead of “nudging” the public with informational campaigns about heat pumps—because we all know how excited *Dave the Plumber* gets after reading a government pamphlet—the real solution is to just mandate better construction practices. “Every UK house should come with a heat pump and solar panels as standard,” argued Norman Miller, a Brighton man who has apparently misjudged just how allergic politicians are to the word ‘standard.’
But MPs seemed reluctant to dive headfirst into anything that might require a spine. According to anonymous sources in Westminster, many are still recovering from the exhausting courage it took to gingerly agree on single-use plastic bans four years ago. “Do you know how many crisis talks that took?” asked one beleaguered policymaker, who spoke while hiding behind a potted plant. “I can’t go through that level of bravery again—it gives me migraines.”
Meanwhile, critics have likened the heat pump discourse to the UK’s favorite dysfunctional obsession: Brexit. “If we can bulldoze our economy in the name of taking back control, surely we can slightly inconvenience homebuilders to save the planet?” asked climate activist Anne Maclennan. “Oh, wait, I forgot. We’re all mad.” Maclennan, of course, was referring to MAD—mutual assured destruction—which was originally coined to describe Cold War nuclear policy but now seems equally applicable to humanity’s approach to climate change.
Predictably, the construction industry responded to the heat pump proposal by curling up into a defensive ball like a hedgehog in a construction helmet. “What next? Will the government *also* demand roofs in new houses? Windows? How dare they infringe upon my freedom to slap together the cheapest materials I can source and rake in profits!” asked Neville Greedley, CEO of Concrete Dreams Ltd., a company with a one-star Trustpilot rating but a five-star Cayman Islands account.
Solar panel advocates weren’t spared either. “We’re not anti-solar,” claimed MP Felicity Wobblebottom, while hastily deleting an email chain revealing her cozy relationship with Big Gas Big Oil Inc. “It’s just that the sun is so… unreliable in the UK. I mean, what if there’s a cloud? What then? I say we go all in on the renewable energy of tomorrow: Asking nicely for fossil fuels to not ruin us.”
In unrelated but equally absurd news, a new push to control the existential threat of nuclear war has devolved into everyone rediscovering acronyms they learned in Year 10 history class. “Mutual assured destruction really says it all, doesn’t it?” said Maclennan, while polishing a bunker door. “It’s like if we designed a global house fire with added nukes—very on-brand for humanity.” Westminster, however, is reportedly preoccupied with *another* acronym: NOTYETSURE (Needlessly Obsessing Today Yet Exhaustively Tearing Shreds Until Retirement Exists).
What’s next for the UK? According to inside leaks from insider leakers, the government is rumored to be launching an 18-month investigation into whether water feels wet, followed by an emergency summit to address concerns that gravity might be overrated.
Stay tuned. Or maybe just get a heat pump yourself. It’ll be faster.
