**Government Swiftly Bans Chinese AI Chatbot to Protect Nation from Dangerous Opinions**
In a bold and decisive move to shield Australia’s government from the perils of open dialogue, the Albanese administration has officially banned DeepSeek, a Chinese-made AI chatbot, from all federal government devices. Officials insist this has absolutely nothing to do with its country of origin—though they’re also coincidentally not banning AI tools from, say, the United States.
“This decision follows serious advice from our intelligence agencies, who told us in very alarming tones that this thing might present a ‘national security risk,’” Home Affairs Minister Tony Burke said, not elaborating. When pressed for details, Burke added, “We just don’t trust it, okay? It’s like a dodgy USB drive that talks back.”
DeepSeek’s launch last week reportedly sent shockwaves through US tech stocks, as investors realized that Silicon Valley might have some actual competition in the art of making AI say wildly inaccurate things with great confidence. But the chatbot’s real crime, Australian officials suggest, is its questionable stance on topics like data security, censorship, and—perhaps most egregiously—history.
“We tested DeepSeek by asking it about Tiananmen Square and Taiwan, and let’s just say it made some ‘creative’ editorial choices in its responses,” one anonymous government tech officer whispered, while nervously closing 14 Reddit tabs. “We simply can’t have a chatbot that edits reality; that’s what other governments rely on social media for.”
Despite these dire concerns, the government has stopped short of explaining exactly what national security risks DeepSeek poses, though insiders speculate it’s mostly about avoiding embarrassment. “I once asked ChatGPT where Sydney was, and it pinpointed it perfectly,” said one concerned parliament staffer. “Imagine the horror if DeepSeek did the same, but in a way that implied Canberra isn’t the center of the universe.”
Burke reassured the public that this ban does not mean Australia is outright hostile to AI technology. “We welcome artificial intelligence—as long as it’s from friendly nations with a long, trustworthy record of, uh… oh wait.” He then trailed off, reconsidering the entire tech industry before quickly pivoting to discuss beach safety.
While the government debates the perils of using foreign AI, public servants remain unfazed. “Honestly, I wasn’t planning on installing another confusing app that requires eight logins and reads my data anyway,” one bureaucrat admitted. “Now, if they could ban my boss from using Google Docs incorrectly, that would be a real win for national security.”
