TECH OVERLORD GOOGLE REPORTS OBSCENE PROFITS WHILE GOVERNMENT TRIES TO BREAK UP ITS MONOPOLY ON KNOWING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
In what analysts are calling “the most financially successful crime syndicate since the invention of banking,” Google’s parent company Alphabet announced quarterly revenue of $90.23 billion Thursday, approximately the GDP of several small nations combined or enough money to solve world hunger if they weren’t so busy buying everyone’s personal data instead.
COMPANY SOMEHOW MAKES MORE MONEY DESPITE EVERYONE HATING THEM
Despite facing multiple antitrust lawsuits alleging the tech giant has monopolized everything from search results to what you whispered to your spouse in bed last night, Google exceeded Wall Street’s pathetically low expectations, proving once again that being evil is incredibly profitable.
“We’re absolutely thrilled with our performance this quarter,” said fictional Google CEO Chad Dataharvestor while swimming in a pool of hundred-dollar bills. “Nothing says ‘functioning capitalism’ quite like making billions while the government actively tries to break up your company for being too f@#king powerful.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON HOW A COMPANY UNDER LEGAL ATTACK KEEPS PRINTING MONEY
Dr. Capitalism Isbroken, Professor of Obvious Economic Disparities at the University of No Sh!t, explained the phenomenon: “Google essentially owns the internet. Imagine if someone owned all the oxygen and charged you every time you breathed. That’s basically their business model, except they also watch you while you sleep.”
The company’s stock dropped 17% since January, which financial experts describe as “the equivalent of Jeff Bezos losing a twenty-dollar bill in his couch cushions.”
TRUMP TARIFFS PROVE ENTIRELY USELESS AT STOPPING THE UNSTOPPABLE
Former and aspiring future President Donald Trump’s much-touted tariffs on global trade partners appear to have had the same effect on Google as a water gun would have on a forest fire. The tariffs, implemented after the quarter ended, are expected to impact Google’s bottom line approximately as much as a mosquito impacts a rhinoceros.
“These tariffs will absolutely cripple Big Tech,” said fictional economic advisor to Trump, Dr. Reality Denier, while attempting to search for “how do tariffs work” on Bing. “Google will definitely feel the pain, which is why they only made ninety billion instead of ninety-one billion dollars.”
COMPANY PLANS TO USE PROFITS TO FURTHER ERODE WHAT LITTLE PRIVACY YOU HAVE LEFT
When asked how Alphabet plans to spend its obscene wealth, fictional Chief Innovation Officer Sarah Privacyshredder outlined ambitious plans: “We’re developing exciting new ways to monitor every aspect of your existence. Our research shows 87% of users don’t realize we can hear them through their refrigerators now.”
A stunning 99.8% of internet users reportedly continue using Google products while simultaneously complaining about invasion of privacy, a statistic we completely made up but sounds about right.
In response to the antitrust cases, Google has reportedly set aside $10 billion for its “Government Officials We Haven’t Bought Yet” fund, though company representatives insist this is just for “educational purposes.”
At press time, Google was reportedly developing a new AI system designed specifically to predict when the Justice Department will make its next move, using the private search histories of everyone involved in the case. Totally legal, completely ethical, ridiculously profitable.
