**Google Updates AI Ethics Policy to “Eh, We’ll See What Happens”**
In a groundbreaking move that truly encapsulates the spirit of modern corporate responsibility, Google’s parent company, Alphabet, has quietly ditched its promise not to use artificial intelligence for weapons, surveillance, or anything that might, you know, “cause overall harm.” In other words, the company that promised not to be evil has now settled on a more flexible approach: being just evil enough to maximize profits.
The update came just before Alphabet reported earnings that were, coincidentally, not as great as expected. What better way to boost revenue than to cozy up to governments and defense contractors eager for AI-powered surveillance drones and, presumably, Google Maps-guided missile strikes?
“With the ever-evolving AI landscape, it’s important to stay ahead of the curve,” said an unnamed Google executive, who may or may not have been polishing a chrome skull with glowing red eyes. “We realized that limiting ourselves to ‘not causing harm’ was really holding us back from lucrative opportunities. If you think about it, harm is pretty subjective anyway.”
Previously, Alphabet’s AI ethics policy included a morally reassuring clause stating that it would not pursue technologies with the potential to cause harm. That clause has now been replaced with a much more forward-thinking stance: “¯\\_(ツ)_/¯.” The company clarified that while it remains committed to responsible AI development, it also remains committed to making a sh#%load of money, and sometimes those two things just aren’t compatible.
Critics have pointed out that this shift contradicts Google’s once-famous motto, “Don’t Be Evil.” However, company insiders say the new internal slogan—”Do Be Evil, But in a Way That’s Good for Shareholders”—more accurately reflects the modern business strategy.
Some employees reportedly expressed concerns within internal forums, to which top executives responded with what insiders describe as a “thoughtful discussion” followed by a removal of the comment section. Tech ethicists are calling this a major step backward, while defense contractors are calling it “a fantastic opportunity to synergize AI-driven conflict solutions.”
As Alphabet moves toward this brave new future of AI weaponry and ethically murky surveillance, experts reassure the public that we should have absolutely no worries. After all, nothing bad has ever happened when technology firms put profits over long-term consequences.
