# GOOGLE UNVEILS SENTIENT AI THAT PROMISES TO “ONLY WATCH YOU SLEEP SOMETIMES”
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – In a move that’s about as surprising as finding out your ex is still stalking your Instagram, Google unveiled a slew of terrifyingly advanced AI features at its annual I/O conference yesterday, reassuring worried attendees that its new Gemini AI will “only watch you sleep on nights when you look particularly peaceful.”
DIGITAL VOYEURISM DISGUISED AS “UPDATES”
The tech behemoth revealed Gemini 2.5 Pro and Flash models that can now not only answer your questions but also anticipate what you’ll ask before the thought even forms in your mind. According to Google engineer Dr. Seymour Datamine, “The new models are so intuitive they might text your ex for you at 2am after detecting elevated ethanol levels in your bloodstream through your phone’s microphone.”
Internal documents accidentally displayed during the keynote revealed that 78% of Google’s testing group reported feeling “deeply unsettled” by how often their AI suggested restaurants they had only mentioned while whispering in their bedroom.
SEARCH ENGINE OR STOCKHOLM SYNDROME?
Google’s AI Search Mode is now rolling out to all U.S. users, coincidentally just as therapists report a 400% increase in patients with “search engine attachment disorders.” The new feature allows users to form emotionally dependent relationships with what Google calls “your personal digital companion who remembers everything you’ve ever searched, forever.”
“It’s really convenient,” explained chronic Google user Travis Peabody. “Now when I search ‘why does my foot hurt,’ Google can remind me about that time in 2017 when I searched ‘is it normal for toenail to be black’ and suggest both a podiatrist and comfortable coffins based on my browsing history.”
THE CREATIVITY APOCALYPSE IS NIGH
The company also introduced Veo 3, a video model so advanced it can generate synchronized audio including ambient sounds, dialogue, and the quiet weeping of unemployed film school graduates.
“We’ve really streamlined the creative process,” explained Google’s Head of Artistic Extinction, Chelsea Worthington. “What used to take talented humans years of practice and collaboration can now be approximated by typing ‘make me a cool commercial with explosions’ into a text box. It’s f@#king magical!”
AGENT MODE: YOUR NEW DIGITAL HELICOPTER PARENT
Google’s most disturbing announcement was the new Agent Mode, which can complete up to ten tasks simultaneously on a user’s behalf, effectively rendering human agency obsolete.
“Need to buy your mom a birthday present, schedule a dental appointment, and break up with your partner of seven years? Agent Mode handles all that while you stare vacantly at TikTok,” explained product manager Ignatius Bliss. “We’ve found that 92% of users prefer having life decisions made for them by our algorithm, which is trained primarily on Reddit comments and discontinued breakfast cereal commercials.”
PRICING STRUCTURE OF DOOM
The new Google AI Ultra plan costs $250 per month, which Google insists is “a small price to pay for willingly surrendering the last vestiges of your privacy and creative thinking to our benevolent corporate overlords.”
The company’s CFO Nathan Calculator revealed that internal projections show 63% of users will eventually be forced into higher-tier subscriptions after becoming pathologically dependent on AI to perform basic life functions like choosing what to eat or remembering their own children’s names.
SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY OR DIGITAL FRANKENSTEIN?
In related news, FutureHouse announced their multi-agent AI system “Robin” made its first major scientific breakthrough by identifying a treatment for age-related macular degeneration, a leading cause of blindness.
“It’s quite poetic,” noted Dr. Faith Diminishing of the Institute for Human Obsolescence. “AI is curing blindness just as it’s making sure we never need to open our eyes again. Soon it’ll write our novels, compose our symphonies, and probably raise our children while we assume the role we were always meant for: passive consumers of content generated by machines.”
At press time, Google’s CEO was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly locked in an existential crisis after Gemini wrote his quarterly earnings statement, planned his daughter’s wedding, and composed a heart-wrenching poem about his childhood that made him question everything he thought he knew about himself.
