GOOGLE UNVEILS OPAL: NOW EVEN YOUR TECHNOLOGICALLY ILLITERATE GRANDMOTHER CAN CREATE WORLD-ENDING AI
Google announced its new “Opal” system today, allowing users to build AI applications by simply typing their half-baked ideas into a text box, effectively eliminating the last barrier between humanity and complete technological chaos.
CODING NOW AS DIFFICULT AS ORDERING A PIZZA
Gone are the days when creating software required “knowledge,” “skill,” or “basic competence.” With Opal, users can now build sophisticated AI systems using the same level of effort it takes to send a drunk text to an ex at 2 AM.
“We wanted to democratize AI development,” explained Google spokesperson Sarah Codeworth. “By ‘democratize,’ we mean ‘let absolute f@#king morons have the same capabilities as people who spent years studying computer science.'”
THE END OF PROGRAMMER SUPERIORITY COMPLEX
Experts predict the traditional coding community will be devastated by this development. Dr. Hugh R. Kiddinme, Professor of Technological Unemployment at MIT, estimates that “approximately 87.3% of programmers will now have to find personality traits other than ‘knowing how to code’ to feel superior to others.”
“I’ve spent 15 years mastering complex programming languages, and now my job can be done by someone saying ‘make app that shows cat pictures when sad,'” lamented software engineer Dave Johnson, 34, as he updated his LinkedIn profile to “Artisanal Coffee Appreciator.”
HUMANITY’S INEVITABLE DOOM ACCELERATED BY THREE YEARS
The system has already shown remarkable capabilities. During beta testing, one user reportedly typed “make thing that does stuff good” and somehow created an algorithm that could predict stock market fluctuations with 99.8% accuracy. The user, a 12-year-old named Tyler, has since purchased Microsoft.
“This is completely safe and not at all concerning,” insists Dr. Oblivious McDeathwish, Google’s Chief Existential Risk Ignorer. “What could possibly go wrong when we give every human on Earth the ability to create powerful AI systems without understanding how they work?”
CORPORATE EFFICIENCY SKYROCKETS; ACTUAL PRODUCTIVITY PLUMMETS
Major corporations have embraced Opal enthusiastically. Walmart CEO Doug McMoney told investors, “We’ve replaced our entire IT department with one intern and a prompt that says ‘fix computer please.’ We’re saving billions, although admittedly our website now randomly shows pornography every third Tuesday.”
Google’s own internal memo, leaked by a disgruntled employee, reveals their true motivation: “If we let everyone create AI systems by speaking English, we can blame society as a whole when the inevitable catastrophe occurs, rather than taking responsibility ourselves.”
THE FUTURE IS STUPID, EMBRACE IT
As of press time, an estimated 14 million AI applications have already been created using Opal, including one designed to “make vegetables taste like pizza” and another that promises to “tell me why she left.”
When asked about potential misuse, Google’s CEO simply sighed deeply and mumbled, “Look, humanity had a good run, and besides, our quarterly profits are through the roof.”
At press time, this article was being rewritten by an AI system created by a toddler who asked Opal to “make words go funny,” proving once and for all that not even satirical writers are safe from the coming vibe-coded apocalypse.
