GOOGLE’S NEW ‘WORLD MODEL’ JUST ANOTHER WAY TO AVOID DEALING WITH REAL F@#KING WORLD
VIRTUAL WAREHOUSES: WHERE SIMULATED WORKERS CAN’T UNIONIZE
In what experts are calling “peak tech bro avoidance therapy,” Google has unveiled its latest attempt at playing God without the inconvenience of actually building anything useful. The tech giant announced Genie 3, a “world model” that creates virtual environments where AI can practice existing without having to deal with the messy reality the rest of us are stuck in.
The system, which Google claims is a step toward artificial general intelligence (AGI), allows robots to train in simulated warehouses where they never have to worry about pesky human concerns like bathroom breaks, living wages, or that weird smell coming from the break room fridge.
“This is revolutionary,” explained Dr. Obvi Ouslie, Google’s Chief Reality Avoidance Officer. “Instead of building robots that work in actual warehouses with actual problems, we’ve created a fantasy land where everything works perfectly and Jeff Bezos can finally sleep at night.”
THE SIMULATION: ALMOST AS DISAPPOINTING AS REALITY
According to Google, Genie 3 creates “convincing” simulations of the real world, which apparently means a world where warehouse workers don’t collapse from exhaustion and where robots never accidentally crush a human because some programmer forgot to account for the existence of children.
“Our virtual environments are 99.7% accurate to real life,” claims Tessa Realitee, Google’s VP of Making Sh!t Up. “We’ve only removed minor inconveniences like physics, human error, and consequences.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, UNFORTUNATELY
Professor Hugh G. Delusion from the Institute of Technological Circle-Jerking believes Google’s approach shows real promise: “By creating a world model that avoids all the actual problems of the real world, Google has essentially invented the tech equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting ‘I CAN’T HEAR YOU’ when someone mentions climate change.”
A survey conducted by Absolutely Made Up Research Inc. found that 87% of tech workers believe virtual training is superior to real-world experience, while 100% of actual warehouse workers responded with variations of “are you f@#king kidding me?”
THE PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS: VIRTUALLY NONE
Google claims the technology could eventually be used to train self-driving cars, leading to a future where autonomous vehicles can perfect the art of running over pedestrians in simulation before doing it in real life.
“Imagine a world where robots can learn to do everything humans can do, but without all those annoying human rights violations we keep getting called out for,” explained Silicon Valley investor Warren Privilege. “That’s the future we’re investing billions in.”
WHAT’S NEXT: PROBABLY NOTHING USEFUL
Google’s researchers are already planning the next iteration, which will supposedly create even more realistic simulations, possibly including such revolutionary features as “workers who occasionally need to pee” and “weather that sometimes doesn’t cooperate with your profit margins.”
As Google continues its relentless march toward artificial general intelligence, ordinary humans can rest easy knowing that the tech giant is working tirelessly to ensure that when the robots finally take over, at least they’ll be really good at organizing virtual shelves in a warehouse that doesn’t exist.
At press time, Google was reportedly working on a new simulation that could teach AI the concept of irony, but the project was canceled when the AI kept suggesting that maybe Google should try solving actual problems instead.
