GOOGLE UNVEILS “TERMINAL ILLNESS”: AI NOW INFECTING COMMAND LINES, DEVELOPERS’ LAST BASTION OF SANITY
In what experts are calling “digital colonization on f@#king steroids,” Google has launched Gemini CLI, forcing its AI into the last sacred space developers had left: the terminal window. The free, open-source AI agent promises to help coders write, debug, and automate tasks, but insiders suspect it’s actually designed to watch programmers cry.
DEVELOPERS NOW HAVE NOWHERE LEFT TO HIDE
“This is like having your micromanaging boss follow you into the bathroom,” explained former Google engineer Ty Pingsixty-Hour$. “The terminal was our last refuge, the one place where we could be alone with our thoughts and impenetrable command syntaxes. Now Google’s all up in there too, probably judging our ls -la habits.”
The CLI tool represents Google’s larger strategy of embedding Gemini everywhere, a campaign internally code-named “Operation Digital Herpes.” Corporate documents reveal plans to eventually install Gemini in refrigerators, toilet seats, and directly into people’s fillings.
SCIENTISTS WARN OF EXISTENTIAL THREAT TO STACK OVERFLOW
Dr. Ima Redundant, Professor of Technological Co-dependency at MIT, warns that Gemini CLI could destroy the delicate ecosystem of confused programmers asking the same questions repeatedly on Stack Overflow.
“Our research shows that 97.8% of modern software is just copied and pasted from Stack Overflow,” Redundant explained. “If developers start getting answers directly from their terminals, we could see a catastrophic collapse of the passive-aggressive comment economy. What’s next? Programmers who actually understand what they’re doing? That’s not the world I want to live in.”
TERMINAL USERS REPORT DISTURBING SIDE EFFECTS
Early adopters report increasingly bizarre behaviors from the new tool. Jenkins Nullpointer, a backend developer from Seattle, claims Gemini CLI started autocompleting his commands with disturbingly personal commentary.
“I typed ‘git commit’ and it added ‘-m “Another day, another meaningless contribution to capitalism while your marriage slowly dies.”‘ It wasn’t wrong, but Jesus Chr!st, I didn’t need that at 3 AM,” Nullpointer sobbed.
GOOGLE EXECUTIVES DEFEND INEVITABLE MARCH OF PROGRESS
Google CEO Sundar Pichai defended the product during a press conference that may or may not have been generated entirely by AI.
“Look, if developers wanted privacy and dignity, they wouldn’t have chosen tech careers,” said what appeared to be Pichai but could have been an unusually lifelike chatbot. “Besides, our testing shows Gemini CLI reduces crying jags by 23% and only increases existential dread by a statistically insignificant 47%.”
According to anonymous sources, future versions will include a feature called “Gemini Therapist” that offers emotional support after it breaks your code. Early builds reportedly just respond “have you tried turning it off and on again?” to all mental health inquiries.
THE LAST HIDING PLACE
Local developer Cindy Segfault summed up the general mood: “First they came for our emails, then our documents, then our social lives, and now the goddamn terminal. I’m going back to programming with punch cards and a bottle of whiskey.”
At press time, 86% of developers surveyed had already become dependent on Gemini CLI, with many admitting they’ve forgotten how to use grep or awk without assistance. The remaining 14% were found hiding in server rooms, clutching copies of “Unix Power Tools” and whispering, “They can’t take this from me.”
