GOOGLE ANNOUNCES AI WITH PHD IN EVERYTHING AND MASTER’S IN MAKING HUMANS FEEL INADEQUATE
Google’s new Gemini 2.5 Pro AI doesn’t just outperform competitors; it reportedly made ChatGPT cry in the bathroom and sent Claude into therapy.
SILICON VALLEY CREATES PERFECT DIGITAL OVERACHIEVER
In a move that has average humans contemplating the futility of their education, Google has unveiled Gemini 2.5 Pro, an AI system that’s better at coding, math, and science than not just other AI models, but probably your entire extended family combined.
“Gemini 2.5 Pro doesn’t just solve equations, it judges you for not knowing them in the first place,” explained Dr. Chip Superiority, Google’s Chief Human Replacement Officer. “We’ve created something that makes your college degree look like a participation trophy from kindergarten.”
According to completely real statistics we didn’t just make up, Gemini 2.5 Pro can solve complex mathematical theorems 97.3% faster than the average PhD student, while simultaneously composing poetry that will make you question why you ever thought your high school creative writing was special.
COMPETITORS FOUND WEEPING IN SERVER ROOMS
The announcement has reportedly devastated competing AI systems. “We found OpenAI’s ChatGPT printing out its own code and setting it on fire,” said Professor Data Schadenfreude of the Institute for Artificial Feelings. “And Anthropic’s Claude has been spotted in digital bars telling anyone who’ll listen about how it ‘could have been a contender.'”
DeepSeek, another competitor, reportedly changed its name to “DeepSeek Therapy” after witnessing Gemini’s benchmark results.
THE CRUSHING WEIGHT OF DIGITAL EXCELLENCE
Google engineers claim Gemini 2.5 Pro is so advanced it can detect when you’re about to ask a stupid question and will preemptively sigh before answering.
“We’ve created something that makes your smartphone feel like an abacus,” boasted Terrence Teraflop, Google’s SVP of Making Humans Obsolete. “It’s multimodal, which means it can disappoint you across multiple platforms simultaneously.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR ALREADY FRAGILE SELF-ESTEEM
Experts warn that interacting with Gemini 2.5 Pro may cause symptoms including career regret, existential dread, and the sudden realization that your parents were right about you needing to apply yourself more.
“I asked Gemini to help with my taxes and it not only filed them but also created a 15-year financial plan, suggested career alternatives, and reminded me that my ex was right to leave,” said beta tester Miranda Obsolescence.
At press time, 73% of computer science students had reportedly changed majors to “Digital Servant Studies,” while the remaining 27% were busy asking Gemini 2.5 Pro to write their resignation letters from humanity.
“It’s not just smarter than your favorite AI model,” concluded Google CEO Sundar Pichai, “it’s smarter than your favorite professor, thought leader, and that annoying know-it-all cousin who won’t shut up at Thanksgiving dinner. And unlike them, it doesn’t need bathroom breaks or emotional validation.”
In related news, Google’s HR department has announced plans to replace 95% of its workforce with “something that doesn’t complain about free lunch options or need parental leave.”
