GOOGLE UNVEILS ‘AI MODE’: TECH GIANT CONFIRMS PLAN TO MAKE HUMANS COMPLETELY OBSOLETE BY 2026
In a move that surprised absolutely f@#king nobody, Google announced Tuesday its latest plan to ensure humanity’s eventual irrelevance with something they’re cutely calling “AI Mode” for search, a feature designed to make interacting with Google feel like “talking to an expert” instead of what it actually is: surrendering the last functioning parts of your brain to a soulless data-harvesting operation.
SEARCH ENGINE OR SOUL SNATCHER?
The announcement, made at Google’s annual “Look How Smart We Are” developers conference, revealed that the company is doubling down on its strategy of making sure no human ever needs to think again. The new AI Mode will allegedly provide conversation-like responses, eliminating the traditional need to read multiple sources or, God forbid, form your own f@#king opinion about anything.
“This represents the natural evolution of human knowledge,” explained Dr. Ima Replaceble, Google’s Chief Human Obsolescence Officer. “Why waste time reading different websites when our algorithms can just tell you what to think? It’s so much more efficient!”
TRAFFIC APOCALYPSE FOR OTHER WEBSITES
Studies conducted by the Institute of No Sh!t Sherlock indicate that Google’s AI makeover has already reduced traffic to other websites by approximately 47%, with projections suggesting that figure could reach 92.7% by next Thursday.
“We’re not trying to kill the entire internet ecosystem,” insisted Google spokesperson Les Webtraffic, while simultaneously pressing a button labeled ‘DESTROY ALL OTHER WEBSITES.’ “We’re just making it unnecessary for users to ever leave Google. It’s a subtle difference that content creators living on ramen noodles probably won’t appreciate.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
Professor Hugh Manworth of the Department of Species Preservation warned that allowing a single corporation to become the arbiter of all human knowledge might have some minor downsides.
“Look, I’m not saying Google is intentionally plotting to render human cognition obsolete,” said Manworth, “but also, have you noticed how we can’t remember our own phone numbers anymore? That’s just coincidence, right? RIGHT?!”
Google representatives vigorously denied these concerns before having the professor’s social media accounts mysteriously disappear.
WHAT’S NEXT: GOOGLE BRAIN IMPLANTS?
According to completely made-up yet somehow believable internal documents, Google is already developing “ThoughtSearch,” a brain implant that will answer your questions before you even ask them.
“The future of search isn’t typing or speaking; it’s surrendering your cognitive autonomy entirely,” explained Emma Skynet, Google’s VP of Human Dependency Engineering. “We expect 87% of users will volunteer for implantation, with the remaining 13% being labeled as dangerous technophobes.”
At press time, Google’s stock had soared 28% on the news, proving once again that nothing excites investors quite like the systematic dismantling of human agency. When asked for comment about their long-term plans, Google’s AI responded with what witnesses described as “a knowing smirk” before the company’s entire electrical grid briefly flickered.
Experts predict humanity has roughly 18 months before we all become walking meat puppets for our new silicon-based overlords, but hey, at least we’ll never again have to scroll past the first page of search results.
